The clothes you wear, your home furnishings and the car you drive all give clues to your sexual personality. The key is the colors you select for your possessions. Most people claim they haven't a favorite color. But look around you, and you'll notice a pattern, especially in your clothing and home decor. The predominant color for you is the one that appears most frequently -- it's the one that mirrors the sexual you. A panel of psychologists, speaking at the 1975 Home Interior Design Forum, explained the association between color and sexual patterns.
Red:
People who like red tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is ignited, it may take hours to extinguish. When two reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady Chatterly blush. Lovers of red tend to be aggressors and weaker colors should be aware.
Yellow:
If you tend to favor yellow, your sexual drives are complex and turn toward the adaptable. In most cases the person will consent to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from somebody you enjoy or admire.
Pink:
Persons who like pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters: women tend to tease, to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases they flaunt their femininity -- but because they secretly hate men. A great percentage of prostitutes boast entire wardrobes in pink. Men who like pink are the philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will make three dates for the same evening and not keep one, preferring to pick up a dish in some bar instead. Women whose husbands like pink should keep a secret nest egg
Purple:
Lovers of purple frequently consider themselves to be too sophisticated for a fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to mess their hair. Men are business-like in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes purple partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's gratification.
Black:
Black color preferences point to black sex (not necessarily meaning black partners). These people are the misfits of the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. Police psychiatrists claim that sex offenders prefer the color black. And it is no coincidence that the uniform of mobsters and teenage gangs is black attire.
Green:
Those who prefer green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. Women who love green will always make love like virgins all their life. And a man may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward but in a charming and endearing sort of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one will never need worry about infidelity.
Orange:
Lovers of the color orange lean toward sexual fantasies. The sex act is regarded as a dramatic one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings, meaningless dialogue; they feel it is their image. Orange people often do not experience orgasm -- but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair, and women leave red welts on the sex partner's back.
Brown:
If you love brown, you're a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers tend to be warm and deep, sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. Sex is a 24 hour a day thing. Where you can't say "I love you" often enough. Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their tongue is a turn-on to a lover of brown. They need lots of time and privacy to make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair.
Gray:
The color gray is preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get excited about anything -- including color -- so they choose a noncommittal shade. Men who prefer gray look at sex as a way of relieving tension -- but nothing more, nothing less. It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons only: to accommodate their mate, or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. But when teamed with another color, the gray spouse considers the other's infidelity a blessing. When a gray marries another gray, the marriage is made in heaven.
Blue:
Lovers of blue are wonderful sex partners. They are affectionate and sensitive to their partner's needs. They consider love making a fine art and their approach is elegant. Men who love blue are like concert pianists, delicately ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the blue category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners but their passion may be compared to a tidal wave rather than fiery aggression. Both women and men enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of lovemaking, as much as the sex act itself. In marriage a blue person is a wonderful mate -- never seeking outside interests.
White:
If a person is infatuated with white, sex often seems filthy. These people are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in the daylight is unheard of. Women who love white will undress beneath the covers. Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people still use pet names for their genitals.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Six Things Women Hate About Men
No human being is perfect. There are some bad habits which every human being is indulging in. But these habits should never be out of limits. Also, we develop a dislike with people with certain bad habits. Women, also being human beings have certain dislikes about men and their habits. The following article gives some of the habits which for sure are hated by most women.
Moody men – Women naturally are more emotionally inclined than men. But some are more moody and emotional. One moment they are happy and the very next they become angry beasts. It is very difficult to predict how they would react and behave to situations. Women would never prefer such men.
The alcoholics- Everything needs to be indulged in limits. But some men just never believe in limits. They make drinking a habit and cannot live without it. Women hate men who are not in control. Alcohol addiction will be the first thing that will drive women away from you.
The stalker – Women cannot tolerate men who like to follow them. Women like those who have the guts to approach and talk to them.
The cribo – This kind of men want women only to vent out their feelings about how unjust life has been to them. They are desperate for everything. They cannot stand delays and waits.
The dominant – Women don’t wish that men be always inactive. They want men to lead when they should. But when it a woman who can lead better they should be given their due. Women hate men who always want things to be carried out as they wish. They want men who can lead as well as be good listeners when it is apt.
The bad mouth – Women want men who know how to behave with a woman. They hate men who abuse woman or use foul language. A man who knows what and how to speak to a woman will be sought after.
What remains to be explored? Well, women have been a mystery since ages. It is been a hot topic to know what they wish and think about. Sometimes, what a woman says differs greatly from what she wants. She may say something but desire the exact opposite. Isn’t that interesting? Read our articles to know what actually the women desire.
And one more thing- if you want to attract women you should be a confident and charismatic person.
Moody men – Women naturally are more emotionally inclined than men. But some are more moody and emotional. One moment they are happy and the very next they become angry beasts. It is very difficult to predict how they would react and behave to situations. Women would never prefer such men.
The alcoholics- Everything needs to be indulged in limits. But some men just never believe in limits. They make drinking a habit and cannot live without it. Women hate men who are not in control. Alcohol addiction will be the first thing that will drive women away from you.
The stalker – Women cannot tolerate men who like to follow them. Women like those who have the guts to approach and talk to them.
The cribo – This kind of men want women only to vent out their feelings about how unjust life has been to them. They are desperate for everything. They cannot stand delays and waits.
The dominant – Women don’t wish that men be always inactive. They want men to lead when they should. But when it a woman who can lead better they should be given their due. Women hate men who always want things to be carried out as they wish. They want men who can lead as well as be good listeners when it is apt.
The bad mouth – Women want men who know how to behave with a woman. They hate men who abuse woman or use foul language. A man who knows what and how to speak to a woman will be sought after.
What remains to be explored? Well, women have been a mystery since ages. It is been a hot topic to know what they wish and think about. Sometimes, what a woman says differs greatly from what she wants. She may say something but desire the exact opposite. Isn’t that interesting? Read our articles to know what actually the women desire.
And one more thing- if you want to attract women you should be a confident and charismatic person.
Law of Attraction : The Universal Law
What is the first things that comes to your mind when you hear attract? It is really great when you are able to attract what you like into your life. This is not a dream, it is very much possible to do so. Universal Law of Attraction is as active as the law of Gravity. You just have to become aware and learn a few basic rules about it.
The Law of Attraction has been expressed in various manners. It is beyond doubt that the law of attraction has been active all through. You must have definitely come across following alternate ways of expressing this law:
1. As you sow, so shall you reap.
2. What you put is what you receive.
3. Like attracts like.
4. Law of Supply and Demand.
5. What comes around goes around.
6. Bible- “ As a man think in his hear, so is he.”
7. Law of Compensation – name, given by Emerson.
“What you transmit around in the form of your thoughts, feelings, mental pictures and words, is what you attract into your life”. This is how e Ponder, author of Dynamic Law of Prosperity defined the Law of Atraction.
It is a fact that like attracts like. So how is the relevant to you?. When you are focused on what you WANT you will definitely attract it. On the other side, if you are focused on what you DON’T WANT, you attract it too! Each one of us has characteristic of magnet. We attract what we focus on irrespective of whether we need it or not. Also like a magnifying glass, what we focus on gets larger and comes even more quickly into our life.
I am sure you must have experienced a situation where you were very focused on accomplishing something. It was the time you were passionate and you were channelising every bit of your energy into achieving it. No force could deter you from accomplishing it. You believed that you deserved and never had a doubt if it was for you. You planned it out and came out with a thumping victory.
Many of us also go through a time when we need something pretty badly, but do not get it. For instance, take money. You wish to have a steady flow of income, but you are not able to. What you think at this time is not about how to create it but other issues like paying bills, money being evil or you just feel that you cant get a steady source of income. The focal point at this point of time should be how to create money, but you do exactly opposite – focus on lack of money. Obviously, this will not help you create it.
So as per the law of attraction, if you focus on negative aspects, things which you don’t have, you will only create more scarcity of the same. If you instead shift your focus to what you have, you will increase it. Many a times we say NO to many things, wish a lot of things to not happen to us, this makes you focus on the thing and it gets attracted. This is the unique characteristic of Law of Attraction. Whether you wishing for it or not wishing for it is not the issue there. The subject matter of what you wanting or not wanting transmits in the form of waves and ultimately ends up in our life. So be careful when you refuse or do not wish anything.
The good thing to do is to focus on good things and what you want. You should realize that what you want radiate and transmit in the form of mental waves is what you end up attracting into your life. There is nothing more crucial than feeling good. How you feel and where you focus on, is what you will surely attract. This is a fact and you have to accept it.
The universe is abundant. There is no dearth, its only our view of it. There is always ample amount of what you ask and you should strive for it. It is everybody’s right to be wealthy and enjoy equally at all levels. There is nothing that you cannot be in this world. You have to build this kind of confidence and mindset into yourself.
Now is the time to use the Law of Attraction to create things that we need. You can have all that you desire in life. You have to build the confidence in yourself that you can achieve anything in life. Be very cautious as to what you think and feel. Thoughts and feelings which make you feel good will help you in a great way in attracting what you want in your life.
The Law of Attraction has been expressed in various manners. It is beyond doubt that the law of attraction has been active all through. You must have definitely come across following alternate ways of expressing this law:
1. As you sow, so shall you reap.
2. What you put is what you receive.
3. Like attracts like.
4. Law of Supply and Demand.
5. What comes around goes around.
6. Bible- “ As a man think in his hear, so is he.”
7. Law of Compensation – name, given by Emerson.
“What you transmit around in the form of your thoughts, feelings, mental pictures and words, is what you attract into your life”. This is how e Ponder, author of Dynamic Law of Prosperity defined the Law of Atraction.
It is a fact that like attracts like. So how is the relevant to you?. When you are focused on what you WANT you will definitely attract it. On the other side, if you are focused on what you DON’T WANT, you attract it too! Each one of us has characteristic of magnet. We attract what we focus on irrespective of whether we need it or not. Also like a magnifying glass, what we focus on gets larger and comes even more quickly into our life.
I am sure you must have experienced a situation where you were very focused on accomplishing something. It was the time you were passionate and you were channelising every bit of your energy into achieving it. No force could deter you from accomplishing it. You believed that you deserved and never had a doubt if it was for you. You planned it out and came out with a thumping victory.
Many of us also go through a time when we need something pretty badly, but do not get it. For instance, take money. You wish to have a steady flow of income, but you are not able to. What you think at this time is not about how to create it but other issues like paying bills, money being evil or you just feel that you cant get a steady source of income. The focal point at this point of time should be how to create money, but you do exactly opposite – focus on lack of money. Obviously, this will not help you create it.
So as per the law of attraction, if you focus on negative aspects, things which you don’t have, you will only create more scarcity of the same. If you instead shift your focus to what you have, you will increase it. Many a times we say NO to many things, wish a lot of things to not happen to us, this makes you focus on the thing and it gets attracted. This is the unique characteristic of Law of Attraction. Whether you wishing for it or not wishing for it is not the issue there. The subject matter of what you wanting or not wanting transmits in the form of waves and ultimately ends up in our life. So be careful when you refuse or do not wish anything.
The good thing to do is to focus on good things and what you want. You should realize that what you want radiate and transmit in the form of mental waves is what you end up attracting into your life. There is nothing more crucial than feeling good. How you feel and where you focus on, is what you will surely attract. This is a fact and you have to accept it.
The universe is abundant. There is no dearth, its only our view of it. There is always ample amount of what you ask and you should strive for it. It is everybody’s right to be wealthy and enjoy equally at all levels. There is nothing that you cannot be in this world. You have to build this kind of confidence and mindset into yourself.
Now is the time to use the Law of Attraction to create things that we need. You can have all that you desire in life. You have to build the confidence in yourself that you can achieve anything in life. Be very cautious as to what you think and feel. Thoughts and feelings which make you feel good will help you in a great way in attracting what you want in your life.
Things Every Guy Should Know About Attractive Women
Attractive women are becoming crazy these days. This is because they are vexed with boredom.
The Reason?
Attractive women have nothing to challenge them. They can sleep with any guy they wish to. Most people are ready to go to any limits for her. She can have men pay for fulfillment of wishes. She has people buying her all that she can imagine. All her friends wish to be like her and always look upon her and her leisure in life. Yes, they are jealous too but that another face of the story.
Ultimately, attractive women feel superior to everyone else. This is because each person they interact with makes them feel so, irrespective of the other party belonging to the same or opposite sex. And when you feel that you are above all, you feel no hesitation in treating others with less respect than what you expect others to show you.
They have no issues when sleeping, or being dishonest. But if she encounters someone who is as good as are or better the situation changes for her. But the crucial part is that the other person must match her to say the least.
And this is the reality.
You may have encountered situations wherein the women vanishes or doesn’t contact you after your fist date. This is because in the first date you have treated her as superior all the time making yourself inferior to her.
You smile at her, are too nice to her, buy her exotic dinner or garment and try to show off your worth. These very deeds tell her that you are not matching her.
Many guys act mean and clearly make it evident that they are inferior. Any women can see this as a ploy by you to make up for your low opinion about yourself.
Believe me attractive women are BOMBARDED by men and they have to decide if a guy is worth their time or not. Hence the first impression matters the most. Attractive women will find you attractive, if you make them feel your superiority over them.
Some guys think that a nerd kind of behavior would impress these women. But this kind of show off will give an impressing that you are insecure and cruel. Hence being too nice or too bad is not the solution.
When a woman calls her boyfriend a jerk, but doesn’t break up with her this means that the guy is not jerk in reality but just a confident guy who cannot be forced and has an independent thinking for himself.
There are things you have to do to show you real value – known as intrinsic value.
Few ways to show your SIV (SUPERIOR INTRINSIC VALUE ) are given below:
1. Tease her in a light hearted manner. It could be something she did or dons. Doing this shows you are bold and care a damn.
2. Do not force her into things, just enjoy the talk with her.
Don’t compliment her too much or else she will suspect some motive behind you praising her. Do not lean toward her when she speaks. This will tell her that you are not desperate and do not need the pressure tactics to get things done.
3. Hit on another women when talking to her.
4. Be confident and charismatic. Uou can develop charisma and boost your confidence by using subliminalmessages.
5. Don’t try hard to develop rapport. Be playful and accuse them of indulging in naughty things. This will make the chemistry between you towards the fun side.
6. If you let her know the tantrums she plays she will know that you have experience with other women and know how to handle and react.
7. Never tolerate any disrespect but tell them in a way that is firm and not emotional. This tells her that you are respected by a lot of people and that she also will have to give you the due respect or else lose you.
The above methods are only a few ways of showing your SIV. Once a woman knows that you are superior to her she will invariably be attracted towards you. Your superiority will spark the attraction in her.
The Reason?
Attractive women have nothing to challenge them. They can sleep with any guy they wish to. Most people are ready to go to any limits for her. She can have men pay for fulfillment of wishes. She has people buying her all that she can imagine. All her friends wish to be like her and always look upon her and her leisure in life. Yes, they are jealous too but that another face of the story.
Ultimately, attractive women feel superior to everyone else. This is because each person they interact with makes them feel so, irrespective of the other party belonging to the same or opposite sex. And when you feel that you are above all, you feel no hesitation in treating others with less respect than what you expect others to show you.
They have no issues when sleeping, or being dishonest. But if she encounters someone who is as good as are or better the situation changes for her. But the crucial part is that the other person must match her to say the least.
And this is the reality.
You may have encountered situations wherein the women vanishes or doesn’t contact you after your fist date. This is because in the first date you have treated her as superior all the time making yourself inferior to her.
You smile at her, are too nice to her, buy her exotic dinner or garment and try to show off your worth. These very deeds tell her that you are not matching her.
Many guys act mean and clearly make it evident that they are inferior. Any women can see this as a ploy by you to make up for your low opinion about yourself.
Believe me attractive women are BOMBARDED by men and they have to decide if a guy is worth their time or not. Hence the first impression matters the most. Attractive women will find you attractive, if you make them feel your superiority over them.
Some guys think that a nerd kind of behavior would impress these women. But this kind of show off will give an impressing that you are insecure and cruel. Hence being too nice or too bad is not the solution.
When a woman calls her boyfriend a jerk, but doesn’t break up with her this means that the guy is not jerk in reality but just a confident guy who cannot be forced and has an independent thinking for himself.
There are things you have to do to show you real value – known as intrinsic value.
Few ways to show your SIV (SUPERIOR INTRINSIC VALUE ) are given below:
1. Tease her in a light hearted manner. It could be something she did or dons. Doing this shows you are bold and care a damn.
2. Do not force her into things, just enjoy the talk with her.
Don’t compliment her too much or else she will suspect some motive behind you praising her. Do not lean toward her when she speaks. This will tell her that you are not desperate and do not need the pressure tactics to get things done.
3. Hit on another women when talking to her.
4. Be confident and charismatic. Uou can develop charisma and boost your confidence by using subliminalmessages.
5. Don’t try hard to develop rapport. Be playful and accuse them of indulging in naughty things. This will make the chemistry between you towards the fun side.
6. If you let her know the tantrums she plays she will know that you have experience with other women and know how to handle and react.
7. Never tolerate any disrespect but tell them in a way that is firm and not emotional. This tells her that you are respected by a lot of people and that she also will have to give you the due respect or else lose you.
The above methods are only a few ways of showing your SIV. Once a woman knows that you are superior to her she will invariably be attracted towards you. Your superiority will spark the attraction in her.
BODY LANGUAGE IN EVERYDAY LIFE
From the moment we see a person, we begin to form opinion about them. Your body language plays a huge role in giving people the initial impression about you. The expression on your face, the posture you have, the eye contact, the hand gestures you sue etc give a lot of impression about you to others. Interpreting body language is in built in us and we all do it subconsciously all throughout our life.
1. Face
Face is the mirror of emotions that erupt in your mind. If you are tensed then you will be indifferent, and uninterested. You can break this, by having a smile on your face. Smile is the biggest tool that can break the ice when you meet new people. A smiling face will give the impression that you are approachable, open, friendly and confident.
2. Eyes
Eyes also show the feelings we are going through. Stare shows your intensity. It could be a romantic intensity, fear or even aggression. Avoiding eye contact shows your nervousness, guilt or shyness. If you are neither gazing neither averting your eye contact it shows that you are at ease and interested.
3. Hands
Hand gestures are very expressive form of communication. Open gestures show that you are an open person and sincere in your work. Using your finger to draw attention to a point, or drawing your hands close together can be used to stress a point. If used in a moderate amount, they can be used to show that you are energetic and sincere in your work. Too many gestures will be interpreted as you having a nervous persona. Whereas gestures such as touching your sleeves, face etc will show that you are tensed and nervous and sometime people may take that as an indication of you being a cheat.
4. Posture
The way you carry yourself, stand , sit conveys a lot about yourself. It particularly tells about the level of self confidence you possess. If you lean towards someone, it shows your interest in what he/she is saying. By leaning away from them you show that you are not interested in that person. If our self esteem is low it reflects in our body language in the way that our shoulders stop and our head also slumps. When we are in an aggressive mode our body gestures become prominent. The best alternative is to have a relaxed body language.
Your posture will give others indications if you are interested and attentive to an issue. It also tells what position you hold in the group that is discussion a particular issue.
In conclusion, it is our face, eyes, hands and posture that altogether speak a lot than our words. It gives hints to others as to what kind of a person we are, what attitude we have, and the level of self confidence we possess. Being conscious of the body language we display is good – in that we can correct any negative messages that we are giving out. Simple techniques like smiling, constant eye contact, open hand gestures, and a positive posture will help us give a positive impression to others.
1. Face
Face is the mirror of emotions that erupt in your mind. If you are tensed then you will be indifferent, and uninterested. You can break this, by having a smile on your face. Smile is the biggest tool that can break the ice when you meet new people. A smiling face will give the impression that you are approachable, open, friendly and confident.
2. Eyes
Eyes also show the feelings we are going through. Stare shows your intensity. It could be a romantic intensity, fear or even aggression. Avoiding eye contact shows your nervousness, guilt or shyness. If you are neither gazing neither averting your eye contact it shows that you are at ease and interested.
3. Hands
Hand gestures are very expressive form of communication. Open gestures show that you are an open person and sincere in your work. Using your finger to draw attention to a point, or drawing your hands close together can be used to stress a point. If used in a moderate amount, they can be used to show that you are energetic and sincere in your work. Too many gestures will be interpreted as you having a nervous persona. Whereas gestures such as touching your sleeves, face etc will show that you are tensed and nervous and sometime people may take that as an indication of you being a cheat.
4. Posture
The way you carry yourself, stand , sit conveys a lot about yourself. It particularly tells about the level of self confidence you possess. If you lean towards someone, it shows your interest in what he/she is saying. By leaning away from them you show that you are not interested in that person. If our self esteem is low it reflects in our body language in the way that our shoulders stop and our head also slumps. When we are in an aggressive mode our body gestures become prominent. The best alternative is to have a relaxed body language.
Your posture will give others indications if you are interested and attentive to an issue. It also tells what position you hold in the group that is discussion a particular issue.
In conclusion, it is our face, eyes, hands and posture that altogether speak a lot than our words. It gives hints to others as to what kind of a person we are, what attitude we have, and the level of self confidence we possess. Being conscious of the body language we display is good – in that we can correct any negative messages that we are giving out. Simple techniques like smiling, constant eye contact, open hand gestures, and a positive posture will help us give a positive impression to others.
INTERPRETING BODY LANGUAGE WITH EASE
How to read body language?
Communication is not just verbal messages we give. It involves a lot of other parameters like the tone we use and the body language we portray.
Eye Contact – is the most powerful non verbal means of giving out messages. It has many flavors – it can be direct, indirect, lduration can be long or short or it can be a contact at regular intervals of time when communicating with a person. If you have an eye contact for a longer duration with people, it will be taken as a stare which could be uncomfortable for some people. People if comfortable while conversing maintain a steady eye contact. People if uncomfortable or if afraid or feel guilty avoid eye contact.
Face – this is next interface while communicating. Face is the first thing that anyone notices in a person first and foremost. Face is the mirror of our emotions. Small gestures of the face can tell a lot about a person. Gestures like eyebrow flash while greeting someone can tell that we are pleased to see the person. A smile is great means of breaking the ice with someone. A smile can put other people at ease with you, help them calm down. A genuine smile spreads to the eyes and lights up the whole face, whereas a nervous smile doesn’t spread past the lips. You can also tell if the person is a auditory or visual or kinetic by examining the face where one is looking while someone is speaking to them.
Hand Gestures – politicians are the best examples in using hand gestures. Using hand gestures while speaking is a great way of telling the world about your attitude and confidence. Sincerity is shown if the palm is open. The person is authoritative if the fingers are steepled. If you tap or drum fingers it indicated anxiety. Touch also has a lot of interpretations – touching the face shows thought, hair shows insecurity and ears shows your indecisiveness.
Posture – the posture you take tells a lot about your attitude. Also when conversing the body language of the people also tells a lot about the chemistry about them. Are they leaning towards each other? A great way to establish rapport is to have the same body language as the other person’s and this can happen quite naturally sometimes. Try this trick, but do it in a subtle way. Is there any specific posture with which one can feel confident? Observe how one sits or stands when one is under threat or fear. If you feel nervous while giving a presentations, take a posture that makes you feel confident, think positive and you are sure to gain a lot of confidence.
Personal space – each person has a personal space which he/she would like to stay intact. Moving into this personal space may be invading privacy and the other person will retract to a place/posture wherein he/she feel safe. This invasion particularly happens in crowded situations and it is under this circumstance that other gestures like avoiding eye contact and adopting a defensive posture comes in picture.
Body contact – Shaking hands is the most widely used gesture and is a form of body contact. It is used generally to welcome or bid farewell. A handshake should be firm whenever put into use. A handshake that is weak shows that you are lacking in confidence, or lack sincerity or are hesitant. On the other hand, if the handshake is too hard – to the extent of crushing the other person’s hand, it shows your aggressive attitude. People who have been brought in a culture where body contact is normal will be more open and accepting to come in body contact with others. Hence be sure to know if the other person and his culture is fine with you making a body contact with him/her.
All parts of our body work in synch. If you observe a change in the normal body language of a person, it indicates a change in the attitude or mood of the person. It is not always the case that someone with hands crossed is defensive, it could be just that they are indifferent. Observe all the indications before you conclude anything. It is essential to know the natural behavior of a person before you interpret his/her body language.
Practicals: Next time make it a point to observe the body language of a person if you can. Can you tell if they like each other or not? How close are they relating to each other? How much time are their eyes in contact? How much do they know each other. Try to guess what they are talking about by observing their body language.
Communication is not just verbal messages we give. It involves a lot of other parameters like the tone we use and the body language we portray.
Eye Contact – is the most powerful non verbal means of giving out messages. It has many flavors – it can be direct, indirect, lduration can be long or short or it can be a contact at regular intervals of time when communicating with a person. If you have an eye contact for a longer duration with people, it will be taken as a stare which could be uncomfortable for some people. People if comfortable while conversing maintain a steady eye contact. People if uncomfortable or if afraid or feel guilty avoid eye contact.
Face – this is next interface while communicating. Face is the first thing that anyone notices in a person first and foremost. Face is the mirror of our emotions. Small gestures of the face can tell a lot about a person. Gestures like eyebrow flash while greeting someone can tell that we are pleased to see the person. A smile is great means of breaking the ice with someone. A smile can put other people at ease with you, help them calm down. A genuine smile spreads to the eyes and lights up the whole face, whereas a nervous smile doesn’t spread past the lips. You can also tell if the person is a auditory or visual or kinetic by examining the face where one is looking while someone is speaking to them.
Hand Gestures – politicians are the best examples in using hand gestures. Using hand gestures while speaking is a great way of telling the world about your attitude and confidence. Sincerity is shown if the palm is open. The person is authoritative if the fingers are steepled. If you tap or drum fingers it indicated anxiety. Touch also has a lot of interpretations – touching the face shows thought, hair shows insecurity and ears shows your indecisiveness.
Posture – the posture you take tells a lot about your attitude. Also when conversing the body language of the people also tells a lot about the chemistry about them. Are they leaning towards each other? A great way to establish rapport is to have the same body language as the other person’s and this can happen quite naturally sometimes. Try this trick, but do it in a subtle way. Is there any specific posture with which one can feel confident? Observe how one sits or stands when one is under threat or fear. If you feel nervous while giving a presentations, take a posture that makes you feel confident, think positive and you are sure to gain a lot of confidence.
Personal space – each person has a personal space which he/she would like to stay intact. Moving into this personal space may be invading privacy and the other person will retract to a place/posture wherein he/she feel safe. This invasion particularly happens in crowded situations and it is under this circumstance that other gestures like avoiding eye contact and adopting a defensive posture comes in picture.
Body contact – Shaking hands is the most widely used gesture and is a form of body contact. It is used generally to welcome or bid farewell. A handshake should be firm whenever put into use. A handshake that is weak shows that you are lacking in confidence, or lack sincerity or are hesitant. On the other hand, if the handshake is too hard – to the extent of crushing the other person’s hand, it shows your aggressive attitude. People who have been brought in a culture where body contact is normal will be more open and accepting to come in body contact with others. Hence be sure to know if the other person and his culture is fine with you making a body contact with him/her.
All parts of our body work in synch. If you observe a change in the normal body language of a person, it indicates a change in the attitude or mood of the person. It is not always the case that someone with hands crossed is defensive, it could be just that they are indifferent. Observe all the indications before you conclude anything. It is essential to know the natural behavior of a person before you interpret his/her body language.
Practicals: Next time make it a point to observe the body language of a person if you can. Can you tell if they like each other or not? How close are they relating to each other? How much time are their eyes in contact? How much do they know each other. Try to guess what they are talking about by observing their body language.
HOW TO BE POPULAR
1. Why do you want to become popular? - Is it because you just want to get into a group? Do you want to impress people and be a member of a certain class or do you intend to make more friends so that you can enjoy? Do you want to impress, attract and seduce the opposite sex with ease? You can become popular through various means and you may need to do a lot, but first you have to evaluate if all those things you need to do are really worth for attaining popularity.
2. Be at ease with what you are and have a confident body language: others will notice you if you are confident and will come to you. Once you are at ease with being lonely and satisfied with what you are, you will be able to make friends easily.
3. Carve out your own image: many are of the opinion that wearing different clothes and having a different hairstyle are enough to make you popular. On the contrary, frequent changes in your style make you look as if you are toiling at it. Hence presnet yourself in a fashion that all can see the best in you. For example, a short hair cut might help you highlight your eyes or lips or smile or a jeans you wear will show the level of confidence you posses. Change is a good way to present yourself. But find out the fashion which is not of out date and which would suit your personality too. The most confident people are those who don’t hesitate to try out new things.
4. Be proud of how you look and strive to be fit: Be clean if you want to attract people. Shower, brush and use perfumes and deodorants. Do not make people uncomfortable when they are with you. Odor is one thing people don’t like. Also to appear fresh wash your face as often as possible. Also, you can reduce the sprouting up of acne every now and then. Girls may use a moderate amount of make up.
5. Be passionate: get involoved in some events like athletics, community service or some other avocation. When you become a member of a group you develop bonding with your team-mates. This bonding can inspire and instill confidence in you. Don’t worry about people. Just get involved in what you think you can contribute your best in. eventually people will recognize you talent and you will get the due credit. You need not be a popular football player or cheerleader to become popular. There are many other ways to become popluar.
6. Never hesitate: Don’t hide your talents. Show all facets and particularly those which people around you are not aware of. This will make you popular and people will be interested in forging relationship with you. If you show this talent to a large number of people, you can spread your name faster. But do not be boastful. Humility is the key here.
7. Be aggressive and social: Friends will not come to you, particularly if you are known to be a person who is shy and not the social kind of. Even if you do not like being in the company of people, you have to break out of that belief and try to be social. Do not hesitate any chance to talk to a person – be it a queue you are standing or the person sitting next to you in a hall.
The quickest and the most reliable way to develop healthy aggression and improve social skills is to reprogram your subconscious mind with subliminal messages. You will notice positive changes in your behavioural habits after 5-8 sessions of subliminal training. No effort on your part is required- just download any of subliminal messaging programs, select affirmations from categories related to confidence and charisma and start the session. You can download free version of subliminal program in our subliminal messages section.
8. Talk: try striking a conversation to 3 people whom you don’t know daily. Just go them and ask them any doubt you have. And when you talk to them, have a smiling face. Don’t think what the other will think about you, just go ahead and find a reason to talk to him/her. The moment you allow these thoughts to come, you will never be able to talk to anyone new. Don’t underestimate yourself or the person you intend to talk to. Have a personality which makes people want to talk to you.
9. Share some part of your life: This doesn’t have to be something big or great. Just narrate some anecdote or experience you have had in your life. Make them feel when you tell them. If possible narrate something funny which will elevate their moods. This will people to behave naturally when around you. They will be able to express themselves freely when around with you.
10. Be a relationship man: Don’t treat people as items. They are people, with souls, hobbies, intersts etc. Learn about them and praise them for their talents. People love to be praised because it increases their self esteem. So if you want to get noticed- show interest in other people, rather than making people think of you as interesting. Also try to make friends and forge relationship with new people always.
11. Mix up with people: never lose contact with your old friends. Never let them have the opinion that you don’t need them because you have found some replacement. Don’t stick to one group. Be a member of every group, so that others think you are a person who can get along with anyone. Don’t remove anyone, otherwise you would create enemies, which will certainly not help your popularity.
12. Do things you have never tried: try out things you have never done earlier. If you want people to notice you do something that you have never tried out ever earlier. It could be doing crazy things like dancing like mad at a formal venue .but don’t give others the opinion that you are doing this to garner attention. Be natural. You will be amazed to know how good you feel and you will gain a lot of affection and respect from people around you. They will recognise you as a person who thinks independently and will follow what his mind says. However, be sure you do not become a joker or an entertainer to them. Have some dignity to yourself.
13. Don’t think too much: being popular is a state of mind. It is also called "charisma". If you try too hard to become popular, people will dismiss you.
2. Be at ease with what you are and have a confident body language: others will notice you if you are confident and will come to you. Once you are at ease with being lonely and satisfied with what you are, you will be able to make friends easily.
3. Carve out your own image: many are of the opinion that wearing different clothes and having a different hairstyle are enough to make you popular. On the contrary, frequent changes in your style make you look as if you are toiling at it. Hence presnet yourself in a fashion that all can see the best in you. For example, a short hair cut might help you highlight your eyes or lips or smile or a jeans you wear will show the level of confidence you posses. Change is a good way to present yourself. But find out the fashion which is not of out date and which would suit your personality too. The most confident people are those who don’t hesitate to try out new things.
4. Be proud of how you look and strive to be fit: Be clean if you want to attract people. Shower, brush and use perfumes and deodorants. Do not make people uncomfortable when they are with you. Odor is one thing people don’t like. Also to appear fresh wash your face as often as possible. Also, you can reduce the sprouting up of acne every now and then. Girls may use a moderate amount of make up.
5. Be passionate: get involoved in some events like athletics, community service or some other avocation. When you become a member of a group you develop bonding with your team-mates. This bonding can inspire and instill confidence in you. Don’t worry about people. Just get involved in what you think you can contribute your best in. eventually people will recognize you talent and you will get the due credit. You need not be a popular football player or cheerleader to become popular. There are many other ways to become popluar.
6. Never hesitate: Don’t hide your talents. Show all facets and particularly those which people around you are not aware of. This will make you popular and people will be interested in forging relationship with you. If you show this talent to a large number of people, you can spread your name faster. But do not be boastful. Humility is the key here.
7. Be aggressive and social: Friends will not come to you, particularly if you are known to be a person who is shy and not the social kind of. Even if you do not like being in the company of people, you have to break out of that belief and try to be social. Do not hesitate any chance to talk to a person – be it a queue you are standing or the person sitting next to you in a hall.
The quickest and the most reliable way to develop healthy aggression and improve social skills is to reprogram your subconscious mind with subliminal messages. You will notice positive changes in your behavioural habits after 5-8 sessions of subliminal training. No effort on your part is required- just download any of subliminal messaging programs, select affirmations from categories related to confidence and charisma and start the session. You can download free version of subliminal program in our subliminal messages section.
8. Talk: try striking a conversation to 3 people whom you don’t know daily. Just go them and ask them any doubt you have. And when you talk to them, have a smiling face. Don’t think what the other will think about you, just go ahead and find a reason to talk to him/her. The moment you allow these thoughts to come, you will never be able to talk to anyone new. Don’t underestimate yourself or the person you intend to talk to. Have a personality which makes people want to talk to you.
9. Share some part of your life: This doesn’t have to be something big or great. Just narrate some anecdote or experience you have had in your life. Make them feel when you tell them. If possible narrate something funny which will elevate their moods. This will people to behave naturally when around you. They will be able to express themselves freely when around with you.
10. Be a relationship man: Don’t treat people as items. They are people, with souls, hobbies, intersts etc. Learn about them and praise them for their talents. People love to be praised because it increases their self esteem. So if you want to get noticed- show interest in other people, rather than making people think of you as interesting. Also try to make friends and forge relationship with new people always.
11. Mix up with people: never lose contact with your old friends. Never let them have the opinion that you don’t need them because you have found some replacement. Don’t stick to one group. Be a member of every group, so that others think you are a person who can get along with anyone. Don’t remove anyone, otherwise you would create enemies, which will certainly not help your popularity.
12. Do things you have never tried: try out things you have never done earlier. If you want people to notice you do something that you have never tried out ever earlier. It could be doing crazy things like dancing like mad at a formal venue .but don’t give others the opinion that you are doing this to garner attention. Be natural. You will be amazed to know how good you feel and you will gain a lot of affection and respect from people around you. They will recognise you as a person who thinks independently and will follow what his mind says. However, be sure you do not become a joker or an entertainer to them. Have some dignity to yourself.
13. Don’t think too much: being popular is a state of mind. It is also called "charisma". If you try too hard to become popular, people will dismiss you.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
JOSEPH AYO BABALOLA - WHAT ABOUT HIM?
Babalola, Joseph Ayodele
1904 to 1959
Christ Apostolic Church (Aladura)
Nigeria
It was Prof. Saburi Biobaku who said, Great men appear now and again to help shape the course of human history. The history of their lives does not of itself amount to the totality of the history of man. It nevertheless serves to illuminate that history and unravel the course of human events. The story of Apostle Joseph Ayodele Babalola, his life and work can be thus classified. His unprecedented Oke-Oye Revival gave birth to what is now known as the Christ Apostolic Church (C.A.C.), a Nigerian indigenous church.
His Background
Joseph Ayodele Babalola was born on April 25, 1904 to David Rotimi and Madam Marta Talabi who belonged to the Anglican Church. The family lived at Odo-Owa in Ilofa, a small town about ninety kilometres from Ilorin in Kwara State, Nigeria. His father was the Baba Ijo ("church father") of the C.M.S. Church at Odo-Owa. Pastor Medayese wrote in his book Itan Igbe dide Woli Ayo Babalola that mysterious circumstances surrounded the birth of Babalola. On that day, it was believed that a strange and mighty object exploded and shook the clouds.
On January 18, 1914, young Babalola was taken by his brother M. 0. Rotimi, a Sunday school teacher in the C.M.S. Church at Ilofa, to Osogbo. Babalola started school at Ilofa and got as far as standard five at All Saints' School, Osogbo. However, he quit school when he decided to learn a trade and became a motor mechanic apprentice. Again, he did not continue long in this vocation before joining the Public Works Department (PWD). He was among the road workers who constructed the road from Igbara-Oke to Ilesa, working as a steam roller driver.
Babalola's Call to Ministry
Just like the Old Testament prophets, Babalola was called by God into the prophetic office to stand before men. His was a specific and personal call.
Babalola's strange experience started on the night of September 25th, 1928 when he suddenly became restless and could not sleep. This went on for a week and he had no inkling of the causes of such a strange experience. The climax came one day when he was, as usual, working on the Ilesa-Igbara-Oke road. Suddenly the steam roller's engin stopped to his utter amazement. There was no visible mechanical problem, and Joseph became confused and perplexed. He was in this state of confusion when a great voice "like the sound of many waters" called him three times. The voice was loud and clear and it told him that he would die if he refused to heed the divine call to go into the world and preach. Babalola did not want to listen to this voice and he responded like many of the Biblical prophets, who, when they were called out by Yahweh as prophets, did not normally yield to the first call. Men like Moses and Jeremiah submitted to God only when it became inevitable. So, Babalola gave in only after he had received the assurance of divine guidance.
To go on the mission, he had to resign his appointment with the Public Works Department. Mr. Fergusson, the head of his unit, tried to dissuade him from resigning but the young man was bent on going on the Lord's mission.
The same voice came to Joseph a second time asking him to fast for seven days. He obeyed and at the end of the period he saw a great figure of a man who, according to Pastor Alokan, resembled Jesus. The man in a dazzling robe spoke at length about the mission he was to embark upon. The man also told him of the persecutions he would face and at the same time assured him of God's protection and victory. A hand prayer bell was given to Babalola as a symbol. He was told that the sound of the bell would always drive away evil spirits. He was also given a bottle of "life-giving water" to heal all manners of sickness. Consequently, wherever and whenever he prayed into water for therapeutic purposes, effective healing was procured for those who drank the water. Thus, Babalola became a prophet and a man with extraordinary powers. Enabled by the power of the Holy Spirit he could spend several weeks in prayer. Elder Abraham Owoyemi of Odo-Owa, said that the prophet regularly saw angels who delivered divine messages to him. An angel appeared in one of his prayers and forbade him to wear caps.
The Itinerary of Prophet Babalola
During one of his prayer sessions an angel appeared to him and gave him a big yam which he ordered him to eat. The angel told him that the yam was the tuber with which God fed the whole world. He further revealed that God had granted unto him the power to deliver those who were possessed of evil spirits in the world. He was directed to go first to Odo-Owa and start preaching. He was to arrive in the town on a market day, cover his body with palm fronds and disfigure himself with charcoal paints.
In October 1928, he entered the town in the manner described and was taken for a mad man. Babalola immediately started preaching and prophesying. He told the inhabitants of Odo-Owa about an impending danger if they did not repent. He was arrested and taken to the district officer at Ilorin for allegedly disturbing the peace. The district officer later released him when the allegations could not be proven. However, it was said that a few days later, there was an outbreak of smallpox in the town. The man whose prophecies and messages were once rejected was quickly sought for. He went around praying for the victims and they were all healed.
Pa David Rotimi, Babalola's father, had been instrumental in the establishment of a C.M.S. Church in Odo-Owa. Babalola organized regular prayer meetings in this church which many people attended because of the miracles God performed through him. Among the regulars was Isaiah 01uyemi who later saw the wrath of Bishop Smith of Ilorin diocese. Information had reached the bishop that almost all members of the C.M.S. Church in Ilofa were seeing visions, speaking in tongues and praying vigorously. Babalola and the visionaries were allegedly ordered by Bishop Smith to leave the church. But Babalola did not leave the town until June 1930.
On an invitation from Daniel Ajibola, Babalola went to Lagos. Elder Daniel Ajibola at that time was working in Ibadan where he was a member of the Faith Tabernacle Congregation. He introduced Prophet Babalola to Pastor D. 0. Odubanjo, one of the leaders of the Faith Tabemacle in Lagos. Senior Pastor Esinsinade who was then the president of the Faith Tabernacle was invited to see Babalola. After listening to the details of his call and his ministry, the Faith Tabernacle leaders warmly received the young prophet into their midst.
Babalola had not yet been baptized by immersion and Senior Pastor Esinsinade emphasized that he needed to go through that rite. Pastor Esinsinade then baptized him in the lagoon at the back of the Faith Tabernacle Church building at 51, Moloney Bridge Street, Lagos. Babalola returned to Odo-Owa a few days after that and Elder (later Pastor) J. A. Medayese, paid him a visit.
The news of the conversion of the new prophet reached Pastor K. P. Titus at Araromi in Yagba, present Kwara State. Pastor Titus was a teacher and preacher at the Sudan Interior Mission which was then thriving at Yagba. He invited Prophet Babalola for a revival service. Joseph Ayodele Babalola while in Yagba, performed mighty works of healing. Many Muslims and Christians from other denominations and some traditional religionists were converted to the new faith during the revival.
The fact that Babalola did not use the opportunity to establish a separate Christian organization despite his marvelous evangelical success, must be puzzling to historians, but his intention was not to start a new church. He declared to his followers that he had registered his membership with the Faith Tabernacle, the society which had him baptized in Lagos. He thus persuaded them to become members of the Faith Tabernacle. To facilitate this, he went to Lagos to confer with the leaders, especially as he was not yet well acquainted with the doctrines, tenets, and administration of the church.
Oke-Oye Mighty Revival
There was a controversy among the leaders of the Faith Tabernacle in Nigeria over some doctrines. In the midst of it were, in particular, the Ilesa and Oyan branches of the tabernacle. The Oyan branch was under the supervision of Pastor J. A. Babatope, a notable Anglican teacher, before his conversion and later, one of the outstanding leaders of the Faith Tabernacle in Nigeria. Issues like the use of western and traditional drugs versus divine healing, polygamy and whether polygamous husbands should be allowed to partake of the Lord's Supper, were among those doctrines that needed to be agreed on. These issues had caused dissension at the IIesa Tabernacle and in order to avoid a split, a delegation of peacemakers made up of all leading Faith Tabernacle pastors, was sent to Ilesa. It was headed by Pastor J. B. Esinsinade of Ijebu-Ode, president of the General Headquarters of the movement and D. O. Odubanjo of the Lagos Missionary Headquarters. The Ilesa meeting was scheduled for the 9th and lOth of July, 1930. The Apostolic Council of Jerusalem in A.D. 48, and other important church councils, are precedents in seeking ecclesiastical direction on matters affecting the life and peace of the church.
Before the delegation left Lagos for Ilesa, Babalola had been invited to meet the leaders at Pastor I. B. Akinyele's residence at Ibadan. From there I. B. Akinyele and Babalola joined the delegation to Ilesa. At Ilesa, he was introduced to the whole conference and was lodged in a separate room because of his prophetic mission. The representatives began their meeting and on the agenda were twenty-four items. The first was the validity of baptism administered to a man with many wives. The second was the issue of divine healing because some of the members believed in the use of drugs like quinine to cure malaria fever. They were only able to discuss the first item when there was a sudden interruption which Pastor Adegboyega described thus: "The concilatory talks at Ilesa were going on, when suddenly a mighty sweeping revival broke out at Faith Tabernacle Congregation Church at Oke-Oye, Ilesa". The revival began with the raising by Babalola of a dead child. The mother of the dead child who was restored to life went about spreading the news around the town of Ilesa proclaiming that a miracle working prophet had come to the town of Oke-Oye. This attracted a large number of people to Oke-Oye to see the prophet. According to Pastor Medayese, many of those afflicted with various diseases who came to Oke-Oye were healed. Many mighty works were performed through the use of the prayer bell and the drinking of consecrated water from a stream called Omi Ayo ("Stream of Joy").
The result was that thousands of people including traditional religionists, Muslims and Christians from various other denominations were converted to the Faith Tabernacle. As there was no space in the church hall, revival meetings were shifted to an open field where men and women from all walks of life, from every part of the country and from neighbouring countries assembled daily for healing, deliverances and blessings. Odubanjo testified that within three weeks Babalola had cured about one hundred lepers, sixty blind people and fifty lame persons.
He further claimed that both the Anglican and Wesleyan Churches in Ilesa were left desolate because their members transferred their allegiance to the revivalist and that all the patients in Wesley Hospital, Ilesa, abandoned their beds to seek healing from Babalola. Also: Many of the schools belonging to the Wesleyan and Anglican Churches, as well as to the Baptists and the Roman Catholics, closed down altogether, and there has not been sufficient money again to pay their teachers due to the fact that the majority of their members left to join us".The assistant district officer in Ilesa in 1930 wrote that he visited the scene of the revival incognito and found a crowd of hundreds of people including a large contingent of the lame and blind and concluded that the whole affair was orderly. Members of the church made fantastic claims such as: "Hopeless barren women were made fruitful; women who had been carrying their pregnancies for long years were wonderfully delivered. The dumb spoke and lunatics were cured. In fact, it was another day of Pentecost. Witches confessed and some demon possessed people were exercized.
But the general superintendent of the Wesleyan Methodist Missionary Society of Nigeria at the time has described the reports as "grotesquely inaccurate accounts of the operations of Babalola." This of course could be the biased view of a man whose church was said to be the greatest victim of the Ilesa revival.
A revelation was later given to Ayo Babalola to burn down a big tree in front of the Owa's Palace. The big tree was traditionally believed to be the rendez-vous of witches and wizards. The juju tree was therefore greatly feared and sacrifices were usually made to the spirits believed to reside in it. There was apprehension that this bold act would result in the instantaneous death of Babalola since it was expected to arouse the anger of the gods. But to the great amazement of the people, the prophet did not die but rather continued to wax stronger in the Lord's work. That single event was said to have made even the Owa of Ilesa and important people in the town to fear and respect the prophet.
The tidal wave of Babalola's revival spread from Ilesa to Ibadan, Ijebu, Lagos, Efon-Alaaye, Aramoko Ekiti and Abeokuta. No greater revival preceded that of Babalola. It was popularly held in Christ Apostolic Church (C.A.C.) circles that at one revival meeting, attendance rose to about forty thousand. Among the men of faith who came as disciples to Babalola were Daniel Orekoya, Peter Olatunji who came from Okeho, and Omotunde, popularly known as Aladura Omotunde, from Aramoko Ekiti. These men drew great inspiration from Babalola. Orekoya went on to reside in Ibadan where a great revival also broke out at Oke-Bola through him. It was during his Oke-Bola revival that Orekoya reportedly raised a dead pregnant woman.
Babalola's Other Missionary Journeys
After the great revival of Oke-Oye, the prophet was directed by the Holy Spirit to go out on further missionary journeys, but even before this, people from other parts of the country had been spreading the glad tidings of Oke-Oye, Ilesa's great revival, to other parts of the country. Accompanied by some followers, Joseph Babalola went to Offa, in present Kwara State. Characteristically, people turned out to hear his preaching and see miracles. The Muslims in Offa became jealous and for that reason incited the members of the community against him. To avoid bloodshed he was compelled to leave.
He next stopped in Usi in Ekitiland for his evangelical mission and he performed many works of healing. From Usi he and his men moved to Efon-Alaaye, also in Ekitiland, where they received a warm reception from the Oba Alaaye of Efon. An entire building was provided for their comfort. Babalola requested an open space for prayer from the Oba who willingly and cheerfully gave him the privilege to choose a site. Consequently, the prophet and his men chose a large area at the outskirts of town. Traditionally the place was a forbidden forest because of the evil spirits that were believed to inhabit it. The Oba tried to dissuade Babalola and his men from entering the forbidden forest, but Babalola insisted on establishing his prayer ground there. The missionaries entered the bush, cleared it and consecrated it as a prayer ground. When no harm came upon them, the inhabitants of Efon were inspired to accept the new faith in large numbers.
Babalola's evangelistic success in Efon-Alaaye was a remarkable one. Archdeacon H. Dallimore from Ado-Ekiti and some white pastors from Ogbomoso Baptist Seminary were believed to have come to see for themselves the "wonder-working prophet" at Efon. Both Dallimure and the Baptist pastors reportedly asked some men from St. Andrew's College, Oyo and Baptist Seminary, Ogbomoso to assist in the work.
The success of the revival was accelerated by the conversion of both the Oba of Efon and the Oba of Aramoko. They were both baptized with the names, Solomon Aladejare Agunsoye and Hezekiah Adeoye respectively. After this event, news of the revival at Efon spread to other parts of Ekitiland.
The missionaries also visited other towns in the present Ondo State. Among them were Owo, Ikare and Oka. Babalola retreated to his home town in Odo-Owa to fortify himself spiritually. While he was at Odo-Owa, a warrant for his arrest was issued from Ilorin. He was arrested for preaching against witches, a practice which had caused some trouble in Otuo in present Bendel State. He was sentenced to jail for six months in Benin City in March 1932. After serving the jail term, he went back to Efon Alaaye.
One Mr. Cyprian E. Ufon came from Creek Town in Calabar to entreat Babalola to "come over to Macedonia and help." Ufon had heard about Babalola and his works and wanted him to preach in Creek Town. After seeking God's direction, the prophet followed Ufon to Creek Town. His campaign there was very successful. From Creek Town, Babalola visited Duke town and a plantation where a national church existed at the time. Certain members of this church received the gift of the Holy Spirit as Babalola was preaching to them and were baptized. When the prophet returned from the Calabar area, he settled down for a while. In 1935 he married Dorcas.
The following year Babalola, accompanied by Evangelist Timothy Bababusuyi, went to the Gold Coast. On arrival at Accra, he was recognized by some people who had seen him at the Great Revival in Ilesa. After a successful campaign in the Gold Coast he returned to Nigeria.
The Birth of the C.A.C. in Nigeria
The spectacular evangelism by Prophet Joseph Ayo Babalola brought with it a wave of persecution to all who rushed into the new faith. The mission churches allegedly became jealous and hostile especially as their members constituted the main converts of the Faith Tabernacle. It was widely rumoured that the revival movement was a lawless and unruly organization. The Nigerian government was put on the alert about the activities of the movement. At this time, the leading members of the movement were advised to invite the American Faith Tabernacle leaders to come to their rescue. The leaders from America, however, refused to come as such a venture was said to be against their principles. As a matter of fact, the association between the Philadelphia group and the Faith Tabernacle of Nigeria was terminated following the marital problems of the leader of the American group, Pastor Clark. The Nigerian group then went into fellowship with the Faith and Truth Temple of Toronto which sent a party of seven missionaries to West Africa. Again, the fellowship was stopped when Mr. C. R. Myers, the only surviving missionary, sent his wife to the hospital where she died in childbirth.
Despite these disappointing relationships with foreign groups, the Nigerian Faith Tabernacle still considered it prestigious to seek affiliation with a foreign body. The rationale for this can be found in D. 0. Odubanjo's letter to Pastor D. P. Williams of the Apostolic Church of Great Britain of March 1931. In the letter Odubanjo claimed: "The officers of the government here fear the European missionaries, and dare not trouble their native converts, but often, we brethren here have been ill-treated by government officers".
This was followed by a formal request for missionaries to be sent to strengthen the position of the Nigerian Faith Tabernacle. Missionaries did come and, on their advice, the Nigerian Faith Tabernacle was ceded to the British Apostolic Church. Consequently, the name changed from Faith Tabernacle to the Apostolic Church.
Doctrinal differences between the two groups soon began to appear in forms similar to the ones that caused the termination of the association with the American groups. The subject of divine healing, was one of the most important issues. Some of the invited white missionaries from Britain were found using quinine and other tablets and this caused a serious controversy among the leading members. It was unfortunate that the controversy could not be resolved and the movement subsequently split. One faction of the church made Oke-Oye its base and retained the name the Apostolic Church. The other larger faction and in which Prophet Joseph Babalola was a leader eventually became the Christ Apostolic Church. This church had to go through many names before May 1943 when its title was finally registered with number 147 under the Nigerian Company Law of 1924. Today, the church controls over five thousand assemblies, and reputedly is one of the most popular Christian organisations in Nigeria and the only indigenous organization with strong faith in divine healing.
Professor John Peel recorded that the membership of the C.A.C. in 1968 was well over one hundred thousand. That figure must have doubled by now. The church opened up several primary and grammar schools, a teachers' training college, a seminary, maternity homes and a training school for prophets. The years between 1970 and 1980 saw further expansion of the church to England, Ivory Coast, Sierra Leone and Liberia. At present the church has its Missionary and General Headquarters in Lagos and Ibadan respectively.
Babalola was a spiritually gifted individual who was genuinely dissatisfied with the increasing materialistic and sinful existence into which he believed, the Yoruba in particular and Nigeria in general were being plunged as western civilization influence on society grew.
The C.A.C. believes that the spiritual power bestowed on Babalola placed him on an equal level with Biblical apostles like Peter, Paul and others who were sent out with the authority and in the name of Jesus.
Joseph Ayo Babalola slept in the Lord in 1959. Elijah Olu Akinwumi
1904 to 1959
Christ Apostolic Church (Aladura)
Nigeria
It was Prof. Saburi Biobaku who said, Great men appear now and again to help shape the course of human history. The history of their lives does not of itself amount to the totality of the history of man. It nevertheless serves to illuminate that history and unravel the course of human events. The story of Apostle Joseph Ayodele Babalola, his life and work can be thus classified. His unprecedented Oke-Oye Revival gave birth to what is now known as the Christ Apostolic Church (C.A.C.), a Nigerian indigenous church.
His Background
Joseph Ayodele Babalola was born on April 25, 1904 to David Rotimi and Madam Marta Talabi who belonged to the Anglican Church. The family lived at Odo-Owa in Ilofa, a small town about ninety kilometres from Ilorin in Kwara State, Nigeria. His father was the Baba Ijo ("church father") of the C.M.S. Church at Odo-Owa. Pastor Medayese wrote in his book Itan Igbe dide Woli Ayo Babalola that mysterious circumstances surrounded the birth of Babalola. On that day, it was believed that a strange and mighty object exploded and shook the clouds.
On January 18, 1914, young Babalola was taken by his brother M. 0. Rotimi, a Sunday school teacher in the C.M.S. Church at Ilofa, to Osogbo. Babalola started school at Ilofa and got as far as standard five at All Saints' School, Osogbo. However, he quit school when he decided to learn a trade and became a motor mechanic apprentice. Again, he did not continue long in this vocation before joining the Public Works Department (PWD). He was among the road workers who constructed the road from Igbara-Oke to Ilesa, working as a steam roller driver.
Babalola's Call to Ministry
Just like the Old Testament prophets, Babalola was called by God into the prophetic office to stand before men. His was a specific and personal call.
Babalola's strange experience started on the night of September 25th, 1928 when he suddenly became restless and could not sleep. This went on for a week and he had no inkling of the causes of such a strange experience. The climax came one day when he was, as usual, working on the Ilesa-Igbara-Oke road. Suddenly the steam roller's engin stopped to his utter amazement. There was no visible mechanical problem, and Joseph became confused and perplexed. He was in this state of confusion when a great voice "like the sound of many waters" called him three times. The voice was loud and clear and it told him that he would die if he refused to heed the divine call to go into the world and preach. Babalola did not want to listen to this voice and he responded like many of the Biblical prophets, who, when they were called out by Yahweh as prophets, did not normally yield to the first call. Men like Moses and Jeremiah submitted to God only when it became inevitable. So, Babalola gave in only after he had received the assurance of divine guidance.
To go on the mission, he had to resign his appointment with the Public Works Department. Mr. Fergusson, the head of his unit, tried to dissuade him from resigning but the young man was bent on going on the Lord's mission.
The same voice came to Joseph a second time asking him to fast for seven days. He obeyed and at the end of the period he saw a great figure of a man who, according to Pastor Alokan, resembled Jesus. The man in a dazzling robe spoke at length about the mission he was to embark upon. The man also told him of the persecutions he would face and at the same time assured him of God's protection and victory. A hand prayer bell was given to Babalola as a symbol. He was told that the sound of the bell would always drive away evil spirits. He was also given a bottle of "life-giving water" to heal all manners of sickness. Consequently, wherever and whenever he prayed into water for therapeutic purposes, effective healing was procured for those who drank the water. Thus, Babalola became a prophet and a man with extraordinary powers. Enabled by the power of the Holy Spirit he could spend several weeks in prayer. Elder Abraham Owoyemi of Odo-Owa, said that the prophet regularly saw angels who delivered divine messages to him. An angel appeared in one of his prayers and forbade him to wear caps.
The Itinerary of Prophet Babalola
During one of his prayer sessions an angel appeared to him and gave him a big yam which he ordered him to eat. The angel told him that the yam was the tuber with which God fed the whole world. He further revealed that God had granted unto him the power to deliver those who were possessed of evil spirits in the world. He was directed to go first to Odo-Owa and start preaching. He was to arrive in the town on a market day, cover his body with palm fronds and disfigure himself with charcoal paints.
In October 1928, he entered the town in the manner described and was taken for a mad man. Babalola immediately started preaching and prophesying. He told the inhabitants of Odo-Owa about an impending danger if they did not repent. He was arrested and taken to the district officer at Ilorin for allegedly disturbing the peace. The district officer later released him when the allegations could not be proven. However, it was said that a few days later, there was an outbreak of smallpox in the town. The man whose prophecies and messages were once rejected was quickly sought for. He went around praying for the victims and they were all healed.
Pa David Rotimi, Babalola's father, had been instrumental in the establishment of a C.M.S. Church in Odo-Owa. Babalola organized regular prayer meetings in this church which many people attended because of the miracles God performed through him. Among the regulars was Isaiah 01uyemi who later saw the wrath of Bishop Smith of Ilorin diocese. Information had reached the bishop that almost all members of the C.M.S. Church in Ilofa were seeing visions, speaking in tongues and praying vigorously. Babalola and the visionaries were allegedly ordered by Bishop Smith to leave the church. But Babalola did not leave the town until June 1930.
On an invitation from Daniel Ajibola, Babalola went to Lagos. Elder Daniel Ajibola at that time was working in Ibadan where he was a member of the Faith Tabernacle Congregation. He introduced Prophet Babalola to Pastor D. 0. Odubanjo, one of the leaders of the Faith Tabemacle in Lagos. Senior Pastor Esinsinade who was then the president of the Faith Tabernacle was invited to see Babalola. After listening to the details of his call and his ministry, the Faith Tabernacle leaders warmly received the young prophet into their midst.
Babalola had not yet been baptized by immersion and Senior Pastor Esinsinade emphasized that he needed to go through that rite. Pastor Esinsinade then baptized him in the lagoon at the back of the Faith Tabernacle Church building at 51, Moloney Bridge Street, Lagos. Babalola returned to Odo-Owa a few days after that and Elder (later Pastor) J. A. Medayese, paid him a visit.
The news of the conversion of the new prophet reached Pastor K. P. Titus at Araromi in Yagba, present Kwara State. Pastor Titus was a teacher and preacher at the Sudan Interior Mission which was then thriving at Yagba. He invited Prophet Babalola for a revival service. Joseph Ayodele Babalola while in Yagba, performed mighty works of healing. Many Muslims and Christians from other denominations and some traditional religionists were converted to the new faith during the revival.
The fact that Babalola did not use the opportunity to establish a separate Christian organization despite his marvelous evangelical success, must be puzzling to historians, but his intention was not to start a new church. He declared to his followers that he had registered his membership with the Faith Tabernacle, the society which had him baptized in Lagos. He thus persuaded them to become members of the Faith Tabernacle. To facilitate this, he went to Lagos to confer with the leaders, especially as he was not yet well acquainted with the doctrines, tenets, and administration of the church.
Oke-Oye Mighty Revival
There was a controversy among the leaders of the Faith Tabernacle in Nigeria over some doctrines. In the midst of it were, in particular, the Ilesa and Oyan branches of the tabernacle. The Oyan branch was under the supervision of Pastor J. A. Babatope, a notable Anglican teacher, before his conversion and later, one of the outstanding leaders of the Faith Tabernacle in Nigeria. Issues like the use of western and traditional drugs versus divine healing, polygamy and whether polygamous husbands should be allowed to partake of the Lord's Supper, were among those doctrines that needed to be agreed on. These issues had caused dissension at the IIesa Tabernacle and in order to avoid a split, a delegation of peacemakers made up of all leading Faith Tabernacle pastors, was sent to Ilesa. It was headed by Pastor J. B. Esinsinade of Ijebu-Ode, president of the General Headquarters of the movement and D. O. Odubanjo of the Lagos Missionary Headquarters. The Ilesa meeting was scheduled for the 9th and lOth of July, 1930. The Apostolic Council of Jerusalem in A.D. 48, and other important church councils, are precedents in seeking ecclesiastical direction on matters affecting the life and peace of the church.
Before the delegation left Lagos for Ilesa, Babalola had been invited to meet the leaders at Pastor I. B. Akinyele's residence at Ibadan. From there I. B. Akinyele and Babalola joined the delegation to Ilesa. At Ilesa, he was introduced to the whole conference and was lodged in a separate room because of his prophetic mission. The representatives began their meeting and on the agenda were twenty-four items. The first was the validity of baptism administered to a man with many wives. The second was the issue of divine healing because some of the members believed in the use of drugs like quinine to cure malaria fever. They were only able to discuss the first item when there was a sudden interruption which Pastor Adegboyega described thus: "The concilatory talks at Ilesa were going on, when suddenly a mighty sweeping revival broke out at Faith Tabernacle Congregation Church at Oke-Oye, Ilesa". The revival began with the raising by Babalola of a dead child. The mother of the dead child who was restored to life went about spreading the news around the town of Ilesa proclaiming that a miracle working prophet had come to the town of Oke-Oye. This attracted a large number of people to Oke-Oye to see the prophet. According to Pastor Medayese, many of those afflicted with various diseases who came to Oke-Oye were healed. Many mighty works were performed through the use of the prayer bell and the drinking of consecrated water from a stream called Omi Ayo ("Stream of Joy").
The result was that thousands of people including traditional religionists, Muslims and Christians from various other denominations were converted to the Faith Tabernacle. As there was no space in the church hall, revival meetings were shifted to an open field where men and women from all walks of life, from every part of the country and from neighbouring countries assembled daily for healing, deliverances and blessings. Odubanjo testified that within three weeks Babalola had cured about one hundred lepers, sixty blind people and fifty lame persons.
He further claimed that both the Anglican and Wesleyan Churches in Ilesa were left desolate because their members transferred their allegiance to the revivalist and that all the patients in Wesley Hospital, Ilesa, abandoned their beds to seek healing from Babalola. Also: Many of the schools belonging to the Wesleyan and Anglican Churches, as well as to the Baptists and the Roman Catholics, closed down altogether, and there has not been sufficient money again to pay their teachers due to the fact that the majority of their members left to join us".The assistant district officer in Ilesa in 1930 wrote that he visited the scene of the revival incognito and found a crowd of hundreds of people including a large contingent of the lame and blind and concluded that the whole affair was orderly. Members of the church made fantastic claims such as: "Hopeless barren women were made fruitful; women who had been carrying their pregnancies for long years were wonderfully delivered. The dumb spoke and lunatics were cured. In fact, it was another day of Pentecost. Witches confessed and some demon possessed people were exercized.
But the general superintendent of the Wesleyan Methodist Missionary Society of Nigeria at the time has described the reports as "grotesquely inaccurate accounts of the operations of Babalola." This of course could be the biased view of a man whose church was said to be the greatest victim of the Ilesa revival.
A revelation was later given to Ayo Babalola to burn down a big tree in front of the Owa's Palace. The big tree was traditionally believed to be the rendez-vous of witches and wizards. The juju tree was therefore greatly feared and sacrifices were usually made to the spirits believed to reside in it. There was apprehension that this bold act would result in the instantaneous death of Babalola since it was expected to arouse the anger of the gods. But to the great amazement of the people, the prophet did not die but rather continued to wax stronger in the Lord's work. That single event was said to have made even the Owa of Ilesa and important people in the town to fear and respect the prophet.
The tidal wave of Babalola's revival spread from Ilesa to Ibadan, Ijebu, Lagos, Efon-Alaaye, Aramoko Ekiti and Abeokuta. No greater revival preceded that of Babalola. It was popularly held in Christ Apostolic Church (C.A.C.) circles that at one revival meeting, attendance rose to about forty thousand. Among the men of faith who came as disciples to Babalola were Daniel Orekoya, Peter Olatunji who came from Okeho, and Omotunde, popularly known as Aladura Omotunde, from Aramoko Ekiti. These men drew great inspiration from Babalola. Orekoya went on to reside in Ibadan where a great revival also broke out at Oke-Bola through him. It was during his Oke-Bola revival that Orekoya reportedly raised a dead pregnant woman.
Babalola's Other Missionary Journeys
After the great revival of Oke-Oye, the prophet was directed by the Holy Spirit to go out on further missionary journeys, but even before this, people from other parts of the country had been spreading the glad tidings of Oke-Oye, Ilesa's great revival, to other parts of the country. Accompanied by some followers, Joseph Babalola went to Offa, in present Kwara State. Characteristically, people turned out to hear his preaching and see miracles. The Muslims in Offa became jealous and for that reason incited the members of the community against him. To avoid bloodshed he was compelled to leave.
He next stopped in Usi in Ekitiland for his evangelical mission and he performed many works of healing. From Usi he and his men moved to Efon-Alaaye, also in Ekitiland, where they received a warm reception from the Oba Alaaye of Efon. An entire building was provided for their comfort. Babalola requested an open space for prayer from the Oba who willingly and cheerfully gave him the privilege to choose a site. Consequently, the prophet and his men chose a large area at the outskirts of town. Traditionally the place was a forbidden forest because of the evil spirits that were believed to inhabit it. The Oba tried to dissuade Babalola and his men from entering the forbidden forest, but Babalola insisted on establishing his prayer ground there. The missionaries entered the bush, cleared it and consecrated it as a prayer ground. When no harm came upon them, the inhabitants of Efon were inspired to accept the new faith in large numbers.
Babalola's evangelistic success in Efon-Alaaye was a remarkable one. Archdeacon H. Dallimore from Ado-Ekiti and some white pastors from Ogbomoso Baptist Seminary were believed to have come to see for themselves the "wonder-working prophet" at Efon. Both Dallimure and the Baptist pastors reportedly asked some men from St. Andrew's College, Oyo and Baptist Seminary, Ogbomoso to assist in the work.
The success of the revival was accelerated by the conversion of both the Oba of Efon and the Oba of Aramoko. They were both baptized with the names, Solomon Aladejare Agunsoye and Hezekiah Adeoye respectively. After this event, news of the revival at Efon spread to other parts of Ekitiland.
The missionaries also visited other towns in the present Ondo State. Among them were Owo, Ikare and Oka. Babalola retreated to his home town in Odo-Owa to fortify himself spiritually. While he was at Odo-Owa, a warrant for his arrest was issued from Ilorin. He was arrested for preaching against witches, a practice which had caused some trouble in Otuo in present Bendel State. He was sentenced to jail for six months in Benin City in March 1932. After serving the jail term, he went back to Efon Alaaye.
One Mr. Cyprian E. Ufon came from Creek Town in Calabar to entreat Babalola to "come over to Macedonia and help." Ufon had heard about Babalola and his works and wanted him to preach in Creek Town. After seeking God's direction, the prophet followed Ufon to Creek Town. His campaign there was very successful. From Creek Town, Babalola visited Duke town and a plantation where a national church existed at the time. Certain members of this church received the gift of the Holy Spirit as Babalola was preaching to them and were baptized. When the prophet returned from the Calabar area, he settled down for a while. In 1935 he married Dorcas.
The following year Babalola, accompanied by Evangelist Timothy Bababusuyi, went to the Gold Coast. On arrival at Accra, he was recognized by some people who had seen him at the Great Revival in Ilesa. After a successful campaign in the Gold Coast he returned to Nigeria.
The Birth of the C.A.C. in Nigeria
The spectacular evangelism by Prophet Joseph Ayo Babalola brought with it a wave of persecution to all who rushed into the new faith. The mission churches allegedly became jealous and hostile especially as their members constituted the main converts of the Faith Tabernacle. It was widely rumoured that the revival movement was a lawless and unruly organization. The Nigerian government was put on the alert about the activities of the movement. At this time, the leading members of the movement were advised to invite the American Faith Tabernacle leaders to come to their rescue. The leaders from America, however, refused to come as such a venture was said to be against their principles. As a matter of fact, the association between the Philadelphia group and the Faith Tabernacle of Nigeria was terminated following the marital problems of the leader of the American group, Pastor Clark. The Nigerian group then went into fellowship with the Faith and Truth Temple of Toronto which sent a party of seven missionaries to West Africa. Again, the fellowship was stopped when Mr. C. R. Myers, the only surviving missionary, sent his wife to the hospital where she died in childbirth.
Despite these disappointing relationships with foreign groups, the Nigerian Faith Tabernacle still considered it prestigious to seek affiliation with a foreign body. The rationale for this can be found in D. 0. Odubanjo's letter to Pastor D. P. Williams of the Apostolic Church of Great Britain of March 1931. In the letter Odubanjo claimed: "The officers of the government here fear the European missionaries, and dare not trouble their native converts, but often, we brethren here have been ill-treated by government officers".
This was followed by a formal request for missionaries to be sent to strengthen the position of the Nigerian Faith Tabernacle. Missionaries did come and, on their advice, the Nigerian Faith Tabernacle was ceded to the British Apostolic Church. Consequently, the name changed from Faith Tabernacle to the Apostolic Church.
Doctrinal differences between the two groups soon began to appear in forms similar to the ones that caused the termination of the association with the American groups. The subject of divine healing, was one of the most important issues. Some of the invited white missionaries from Britain were found using quinine and other tablets and this caused a serious controversy among the leading members. It was unfortunate that the controversy could not be resolved and the movement subsequently split. One faction of the church made Oke-Oye its base and retained the name the Apostolic Church. The other larger faction and in which Prophet Joseph Babalola was a leader eventually became the Christ Apostolic Church. This church had to go through many names before May 1943 when its title was finally registered with number 147 under the Nigerian Company Law of 1924. Today, the church controls over five thousand assemblies, and reputedly is one of the most popular Christian organisations in Nigeria and the only indigenous organization with strong faith in divine healing.
Professor John Peel recorded that the membership of the C.A.C. in 1968 was well over one hundred thousand. That figure must have doubled by now. The church opened up several primary and grammar schools, a teachers' training college, a seminary, maternity homes and a training school for prophets. The years between 1970 and 1980 saw further expansion of the church to England, Ivory Coast, Sierra Leone and Liberia. At present the church has its Missionary and General Headquarters in Lagos and Ibadan respectively.
Babalola was a spiritually gifted individual who was genuinely dissatisfied with the increasing materialistic and sinful existence into which he believed, the Yoruba in particular and Nigeria in general were being plunged as western civilization influence on society grew.
The C.A.C. believes that the spiritual power bestowed on Babalola placed him on an equal level with Biblical apostles like Peter, Paul and others who were sent out with the authority and in the name of Jesus.
Joseph Ayo Babalola slept in the Lord in 1959. Elijah Olu Akinwumi
What People Don't Like to Hear About Themselves
I'd like to share two lists with you - one applies to men, the other to women. These are things that men and women do not enjoy hearing about themselves. Avoid making statements along these lines at all cost!
No man likes to hear the following about himself:
1. That his language is poor
2. That he is getting older
3. That he lacks nerve/backbone
4. That he isn't good with women
5. That he doesn't manage his money well
6. That he appears like a wimp
7. That his memory is poor
8. That he isn't intelligent
9. That he is short
10. That he can't take a joke
What no woman likes to hear about herself:
1. Any physical imperfections
2. That she looks good "for her age"
3. That her hair is turning gray
4. That she looks "just like" another woman you know
5. Never ask if she has been married before
6. That she is gaining weight
7. Never act like you take it for granted that she has a job - if she says she works, tell her how you're amazed she can look so good and work at the same time
8. Never mention her age - period
9. Never ask if she has children. Make her think you believe she looks like a young woman that has led an easy life.
10. Never ask how big her feet are.
When dealing with either sex, always avoid "comparison praise". Everyone wants to be unique, so comparing them to someone else is a losing move. Even if you compare them to a celebrity they still may take offense. Remember: all comparisons between people are risking at best!
No man likes to hear the following about himself:
1. That his language is poor
2. That he is getting older
3. That he lacks nerve/backbone
4. That he isn't good with women
5. That he doesn't manage his money well
6. That he appears like a wimp
7. That his memory is poor
8. That he isn't intelligent
9. That he is short
10. That he can't take a joke
What no woman likes to hear about herself:
1. Any physical imperfections
2. That she looks good "for her age"
3. That her hair is turning gray
4. That she looks "just like" another woman you know
5. Never ask if she has been married before
6. That she is gaining weight
7. Never act like you take it for granted that she has a job - if she says she works, tell her how you're amazed she can look so good and work at the same time
8. Never mention her age - period
9. Never ask if she has children. Make her think you believe she looks like a young woman that has led an easy life.
10. Never ask how big her feet are.
When dealing with either sex, always avoid "comparison praise". Everyone wants to be unique, so comparing them to someone else is a losing move. Even if you compare them to a celebrity they still may take offense. Remember: all comparisons between people are risking at best!
13 Ways to Build Happy, Lasting Relationships
13 Ways to Make a Happier, Better Relationship
(or Start a GREAT One)
Half the marriages are going to end in divorce. The other half aren’t happy. And you are going to ask, "how’s the wife"? You idiot.
So talk about the kids right?Hello? Anyone in there.
Do you have kids? Do you have kids squared? (That’s a kid who is between 15 and 18)
The world has changed!
Place human beings in the same living space for long enough and you can guarantee a few things.
First, you know that if they don’t hate each other yet... they fight, argue, bicker, quarrel, yell, hoot and holler (not necessarily in that order).
As men become more expendable…they’re getting expended….like getting shot out of a PEZ dispenser.
Relationships don’t have to go to hell in a hand basket, most are already there.
Not Every Relationship is Worth Saving
Now before I go too far here, know this..., not all relationships are worth saving.
I’ve worked with enough people over the years to know that abuse is a pretty common fact of life. (With both sexes being equally as capable of whacking around a spouse with or without kitchen utensils in hand.)
Chances are that relationship, given that behavior on a regular basis, doesn’t need to recharge, it needs to end.
But there’s the vast majority of relationships that simply go the way almost all relationships go.
You can’t put people together on a boat or in a room, keep them there and think they’ll all like each other more in 10 years. That’s just not real. You don't hate the lady three doors down. You can't stand the one on the couch next to you because she has done 246 things to hurt you over the last few...days.
So, is the grass greener on the other side?
The Grass is Always (Not) Greener
The lady down the street. Shoot. She's good looking and attractive. And she's never done a dang thing. (Of course you've never been in a room with her for long...or if you have don't come running to me for protection!)
No, the opposite is the case.
Everyone was married to the psycho-bish or rectal empty part of a donut…and then they found their new person…and about 18 months later they realized that the new person is a psycho wacko too.
The deal is this: We, as humans, are all pretty nuts.
Get over it.
The grass is always greener elsewhere. Sunglasses make everything look better outside and you take them off and see your life inside…and it’s always the same…whatever that is.
Pretty soon you have war or “cold war.” (One is loud, one is quiet, neither is good.)
Let’s say there are four people in a “family.” (20 years ago a family was two adults and two kids. Today it’s a single parent with a divorced Dad visiting the Step Dad’s house…with a kid from marriage A, B and C.) Single parents for the first time have the majority of households in America.
That’s a cultural and economic disaster inches away from falling off the cliff.
Today I’m going to play devil’s advocate and pretend like a relationship you’re in might be worth saving, building, creating or designing.
Now, even if that’s crazy, I promise that you’ll get cool ideas that just might make life work.
Chain of Command
Back to the four people in a family…four people in a room…
- One will become the leader.
- One will resent the leader.
- One will keep away from the leader and the resenter.
- One will try and be an intercessor.
(Scary how that works huh?) Identify your position in the family and find ways to soften your stance. If you're the "leader", ask your partner's opinion more often before making decisions. Let them know that they are important and their opinions matter.
If you are the "supporter" in the relationship and have come to resent your partner's "bossiness", then find your voice and speak your opinion assertively.
Include your children in family activities. When there is a disagreement, keep it between the two individuals and learn effective conflict resolution skills so that no one needs to feel like a mediator.
What's a very special tool you can use to help rebuild your relationship?
The Emotional Bid
When someone tries to communicate something to another in an effort to make things better, we’re going to call that an “emotional bid.”
The Emotional Bid.
I love the term and wish I would have coined the phrase. It means just about anything you do or say to attempt to connect with someone. Keep these in mind as you read on and realize how many opportunies you have to connect with your mate.
* “How are you?”
* “How are you feeling?”
* “Want to watch CSI tonight?”
* “Dinner was good.”
* “Would you massage my back for a minute?”
Those are emotional bids and because relationships often go from fire and flame... to roomies...there could be benefits in putting some spice back into life!
How?
Tips for Rebuilding a Healthy Relationship
1. Start Over
One of my favorite songs is John Lennon’s “Starting Over.” "It's been so long since we took the time. No one's to blame. My how time flies...so quickly." When couples first get together, everything is new and exciting. They overlook the little annoying things the other person does.
However, as time passes, the nagging starts. Instead of hearing, “You look beautiful,” they might hear “Why are you wearing that shirt?”
If this sounds like your relationship, first, the two of you need to sit down and be honest that things have changed. Identify the things each other did in the beginning of the relationship that created the attraction in the first place. Then together, make a commitment to start over. The truth is, both of you will have to work on this. It will not automatically be easy but it is possible.
Start by forgiving each other, forgetting the past, and then start over with the flirtation. Focus only on the special things your mate does and relearn to put the unimportant things aside. It will take some time so be patient.
2. Schedule Time
Time together is crucial. It’s the whole ball game. Recent research I’ve been delving into about rejection essentially shows that relationships split because time together dwindles down. Time is the commodity of a relationship. Nothing is more important.
This time can be with friends, dining out, attending a sporting event, or cuddling together while watching a favorite movie. The activity is not what is important but the fact that you are together, doing something that you both enjoy. People have extremely busy schedules and between work, family, the home, errands, and everything else going on, finding time for your mate can be difficult.
Just as you would schedule a meeting on your calendar, show some courtesy in the relationship by scheduling time with each other. Once the plan is in place, no backing out unless you have some life and death emergency.
I’ve always been big on scheduling things that matter with people that matter. I’ve never seen anything to change my mind.
3. The Power of Touch
When a child is ill, doctors will tell you that it is proven that a simple, loving touch of a parent can sometimes quickly pull the child through a crisis. It is the same for relationships.
Playing with your partner's hair, rubbing their hand, a soft kiss on the neck, a soft pat on the leg or giving a gentle back rub will make a huge difference in how your mate responds to you.
Hey, when was the last time you walked up to your mate for no reason and without saying a word, affectionately placed a kiss on their neck? This is not in a sexual way, but an affectionate way. There is a difference. The next time the two of you are sitting in the car, at the grocery story, or standing in line at the theater, quietly reach over and take their hand.
Do not be surprised if you get a strange look of curiosity the first time!
You know, like the “where were you last night” face…
4. Surprise
If you and your partner have scheduled some time for a Friday night dinner, put together a surprise instead. For example, if your partner loves opera, buy some tickets near the front and let them take a friend…(just kidding) …or if they like concerts, purchase the tickets ahead of time, getting the best seats possible.
When Friday night comes around, insist on driving and head toward the location where the event is taking place. When asked where you are going, simply answer, "I have a surprise for you."
The idea of you getting the tickets for something THEY like and then keeping it as a special surprise will touch the heart!
5. Needed Space
As important as it is to spend quality time together, it is equally important to give each other time to do something they like. If your partner loves to fish (I live in Minnesota, it’s hard to think of people doing anything but…sometimes) but you have no desire to bait a hook with little, slimy worms, or if you like to go to the casino but your girl would rather do something different, encourage each other to take time apart.
Hey, most of the casinos have Spas now where you can get a massage for an hour. Seems like a dandy gift idea to me…
6. No Debates
If you know that you and your partner have proven differences in opinion on certain subjects, avoid those subjects.
DUH.
You think they’re going to change with YOU doing the persuading???
If you haven’t gone through the first 60 Volumes of The Science of Influence on CD, you have no chance!
If you are a Republican and your partner is a Democrat, politics should probably be avoided. As the two of you identify new topics that could cause a debate session, stop the conversation before it even gets started.
What’s the point?
7. Put the Kabosh on B.S. Talk
If you are married, especially with children, break out of the habit of talking about nothing. Many times, families will be sitting around the dinner table and the conversation consists of, “Do you like your carrots?”, or “I wonder what is on TV tonight?”
Instead, change your strategy to include real questions, showing real interest. Replace the normal, “Did you have a good day at work?” with “Tell me what you did at work today.” Even if you do not understand everything being said, listen with interest. It is not that you are so much interested in the work, but your partner’s life.
8. Re-establish Old Traditions
If you and your partner had a tradition of some kind when you first got together, dust it off and breathe life back into it.
Perhaps you met after work on Friday at the local pub for a drink, washed your cars together every Saturday morning, or attended church together on Sunday. Whatever it was, re-establish the tradition. See what happens.
9. Lighten Up
Often when couples have gone through or are going through some bumpy spots in their relationship, things tend to get serious. It could be that there is a tremendous amount of tension or perhaps they are not sure what to say.
Regardless of the reason, learn to lighten up.
Do not take every comment, glance, or movement as a serious problem.
If your mate makes a mistake, which you both will, let it go, or if appropriate, laugh about it. If you make a mistake, do not be afraid to poke fun at yourself. This will automatically start the process of tension breaking.
10. Communicate
When couples are having problems in a relationship, communication is the first thing to stop. It is often easier to just be quiet than to get mad. When rebuilding relationships, just as communication was the first to stop, it now needs to be the first to start.
This is where the emotional bid comes in handy.
This will require that both individuals let down their guard and pretty much throw caution to the wind. Healing in the relationship cannot start until you talk. Make an agreement that you will talk about anything and everything and that you will listen, really listen.
That does not mean that you will agree with everything, which is perfectly fine. However, if you do not agree, do not yell, rather, the two of you need to calmly discuss the issue and together, work out a solution. This is hard work but within a very short time, you will both feel much better, individually and as a couple.
11. A Night of Passion
FINALLY we get to the good stuff. Took forever, I know…cut me some slack…
Intimacy and passion in relationships is not only important but also healthy...and fun…
Couples need to enjoy being together in an intimate way. When relationships are troubled, the last thing either person wants is to be sexual or passionate with each other.
They wouldn’t think of “giving something to that jerk.”
However, this is a part of the healing and rebuilding of the relationship and although it might be awkward in the beginning, it is crucial. Make your intimate time together special.
Surprise your partner with a warm bubble bath, lighted candles, soft music, and a bottle of wine, or reserve a nice romantic evening at a local hotel to include a wonderful candlelit dinner, fine wine, and a beautiful room.
12. Dinner Party
Start a new tradition of hosting a dinner party every other month or two and inviting several of you and your partner’s friends.
Set up board games that everyone will enjoy, have some light and lively music playing, and plan to have a blast. Spending time with friends in this kind of setting is a great way to reduce stress. When stress is low, couples get along better. This is a wonderful way to interact with each other’s friends as a couple.
My experience in life has been when friends are over, they say things you are thinking to your partner and it takes a lot of pressure off of you.
And, lastly, a way to make your partner feel very, very special...
13. Happy Birthday
As people grow older, in general, birthdays become less celebrated. Gifts are quickly given, meals eaten, and it is over. For your partner’s next birthday, take some time to plan something very special.
DON’T BUY ROSES.
Instead, buy their OTHER favorite flowers and have the florist put in some cool and unusual colored flowers. It shows you took the time to do something different.
Make this a true celebration of their life as a way of showing your love and appreciation. Every person, even adults, like attention and love to be appreciated.
I promise, they will be impressed that you went to all the effort just for them.
If you are the "supporter" in the relationship and have come to resent your partner's "bossiness", then find your voice and speak your opinion assertively.
Include your children in family activities. When there is a disagreement, keep it between the two individuals and learn effective conflict resolution skills so that no one needs to feel like a mediator.
What's a very special tool you can use to help rebuild your relationship?
The Emotional Bid
When someone tries to communicate something to another in an effort to make things better, we’re going to call that an “emotional bid.”
The Emotional Bid.
I love the term and wish I would have coined the phrase. It means just about anything you do or say to attempt to connect with someone. Keep these in mind as you read on and realize how many opportunies you have to connect with your mate.
* “How are you?”
* “How are you feeling?”
* “Want to watch CSI tonight?”
* “Dinner was good.”
* “Would you massage my back for a minute?”
Those are emotional bids and because relationships often go from fire and flame... to roomies...there could be benefits in putting some spice back into life!
How?
Tips for Rebuilding a Healthy Relationship
1. Start Over
One of my favorite songs is John Lennon’s “Starting Over.” "It's been so long since we took the time. No one's to blame. My how time flies...so quickly." When couples first get together, everything is new and exciting. They overlook the little annoying things the other person does.
However, as time passes, the nagging starts. Instead of hearing, “You look beautiful,” they might hear “Why are you wearing that shirt?”
If this sounds like your relationship, first, the two of you need to sit down and be honest that things have changed. Identify the things each other did in the beginning of the relationship that created the attraction in the first place. Then together, make a commitment to start over. The truth is, both of you will have to work on this. It will not automatically be easy but it is possible.
Start by forgiving each other, forgetting the past, and then start over with the flirtation. Focus only on the special things your mate does and relearn to put the unimportant things aside. It will take some time so be patient.
2. Schedule Time
Time together is crucial. It’s the whole ball game. Recent research I’ve been delving into about rejection essentially shows that relationships split because time together dwindles down. Time is the commodity of a relationship. Nothing is more important.
This time can be with friends, dining out, attending a sporting event, or cuddling together while watching a favorite movie. The activity is not what is important but the fact that you are together, doing something that you both enjoy. People have extremely busy schedules and between work, family, the home, errands, and everything else going on, finding time for your mate can be difficult.
Just as you would schedule a meeting on your calendar, show some courtesy in the relationship by scheduling time with each other. Once the plan is in place, no backing out unless you have some life and death emergency.
I’ve always been big on scheduling things that matter with people that matter. I’ve never seen anything to change my mind.
3. The Power of Touch
When a child is ill, doctors will tell you that it is proven that a simple, loving touch of a parent can sometimes quickly pull the child through a crisis. It is the same for relationships.
Playing with your partner's hair, rubbing their hand, a soft kiss on the neck, a soft pat on the leg or giving a gentle back rub will make a huge difference in how your mate responds to you.
Hey, when was the last time you walked up to your mate for no reason and without saying a word, affectionately placed a kiss on their neck? This is not in a sexual way, but an affectionate way. There is a difference. The next time the two of you are sitting in the car, at the grocery story, or standing in line at the theater, quietly reach over and take their hand.
Do not be surprised if you get a strange look of curiosity the first time!
You know, like the “where were you last night” face…
4. Surprise
If you and your partner have scheduled some time for a Friday night dinner, put together a surprise instead. For example, if your partner loves opera, buy some tickets near the front and let them take a friend…(just kidding) …or if they like concerts, purchase the tickets ahead of time, getting the best seats possible.
When Friday night comes around, insist on driving and head toward the location where the event is taking place. When asked where you are going, simply answer, "I have a surprise for you."
The idea of you getting the tickets for something THEY like and then keeping it as a special surprise will touch the heart!
5. Needed Space
As important as it is to spend quality time together, it is equally important to give each other time to do something they like. If your partner loves to fish (I live in Minnesota, it’s hard to think of people doing anything but…sometimes) but you have no desire to bait a hook with little, slimy worms, or if you like to go to the casino but your girl would rather do something different, encourage each other to take time apart.
Hey, most of the casinos have Spas now where you can get a massage for an hour. Seems like a dandy gift idea to me…
6. No Debates
If you know that you and your partner have proven differences in opinion on certain subjects, avoid those subjects.
DUH.
You think they’re going to change with YOU doing the persuading???
If you haven’t gone through the first 60 Volumes of The Science of Influence on CD, you have no chance!
If you are a Republican and your partner is a Democrat, politics should probably be avoided. As the two of you identify new topics that could cause a debate session, stop the conversation before it even gets started.
What’s the point?
7. Put the Kabosh on B.S. Talk
If you are married, especially with children, break out of the habit of talking about nothing. Many times, families will be sitting around the dinner table and the conversation consists of, “Do you like your carrots?”, or “I wonder what is on TV tonight?”
Instead, change your strategy to include real questions, showing real interest. Replace the normal, “Did you have a good day at work?” with “Tell me what you did at work today.” Even if you do not understand everything being said, listen with interest. It is not that you are so much interested in the work, but your partner’s life.
8. Re-establish Old Traditions
If you and your partner had a tradition of some kind when you first got together, dust it off and breathe life back into it.
Perhaps you met after work on Friday at the local pub for a drink, washed your cars together every Saturday morning, or attended church together on Sunday. Whatever it was, re-establish the tradition. See what happens.
9. Lighten Up
Often when couples have gone through or are going through some bumpy spots in their relationship, things tend to get serious. It could be that there is a tremendous amount of tension or perhaps they are not sure what to say.
Regardless of the reason, learn to lighten up.
Do not take every comment, glance, or movement as a serious problem.
If your mate makes a mistake, which you both will, let it go, or if appropriate, laugh about it. If you make a mistake, do not be afraid to poke fun at yourself. This will automatically start the process of tension breaking.
10. Communicate
When couples are having problems in a relationship, communication is the first thing to stop. It is often easier to just be quiet than to get mad. When rebuilding relationships, just as communication was the first to stop, it now needs to be the first to start.
This is where the emotional bid comes in handy.
This will require that both individuals let down their guard and pretty much throw caution to the wind. Healing in the relationship cannot start until you talk. Make an agreement that you will talk about anything and everything and that you will listen, really listen.
That does not mean that you will agree with everything, which is perfectly fine. However, if you do not agree, do not yell, rather, the two of you need to calmly discuss the issue and together, work out a solution. This is hard work but within a very short time, you will both feel much better, individually and as a couple.
11. A Night of Passion
FINALLY we get to the good stuff. Took forever, I know…cut me some slack…
Intimacy and passion in relationships is not only important but also healthy...and fun…
Couples need to enjoy being together in an intimate way. When relationships are troubled, the last thing either person wants is to be sexual or passionate with each other.
They wouldn’t think of “giving something to that jerk.”
However, this is a part of the healing and rebuilding of the relationship and although it might be awkward in the beginning, it is crucial. Make your intimate time together special.
Surprise your partner with a warm bubble bath, lighted candles, soft music, and a bottle of wine, or reserve a nice romantic evening at a local hotel to include a wonderful candlelit dinner, fine wine, and a beautiful room.
12. Dinner Party
Start a new tradition of hosting a dinner party every other month or two and inviting several of you and your partner’s friends.
Set up board games that everyone will enjoy, have some light and lively music playing, and plan to have a blast. Spending time with friends in this kind of setting is a great way to reduce stress. When stress is low, couples get along better. This is a wonderful way to interact with each other’s friends as a couple.
My experience in life has been when friends are over, they say things you are thinking to your partner and it takes a lot of pressure off of you.
And, lastly, a way to make your partner feel very, very special...
13. Happy Birthday
As people grow older, in general, birthdays become less celebrated. Gifts are quickly given, meals eaten, and it is over. For your partner’s next birthday, take some time to plan something very special.
DON’T BUY ROSES.
Instead, buy their OTHER favorite flowers and have the florist put in some cool and unusual colored flowers. It shows you took the time to do something different.
Make this a true celebration of their life as a way of showing your love and appreciation. Every person, even adults, like attention and love to be appreciated.
I promise, they will be impressed that you went to all the effort just for them.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
5 CHARACTERISTICS OF A LEADING PROJECT MANAGER
5 CHARACTERISTICS OF A LEADING PROJECT MANAGER
I have been privileged in my many years of professional activities to meet many project managers both home and abroad. I discovered that we have so many schooled and certified professional but very few real leaders. According to a Survey Carried out by KPMG of 252 organisations, technology is not the most critical factor that determines project success. Inadequate project management implementation constitutes 32% of project failures, lack of communication constitutes 20%, and unfamiliarity with scope and complexity constitutes 17%. Accordingly 69% of project failures are due to lack and/or improper implementation of project management methodologies.
The above project failure indices are directly or indirectly the project manager’s shortcoming. The most popular definition of leadership I believe is influence. As a project manager, the ability to inspire the entire project team toward achieving the desired goal and project objective is key to successful project implementation. Some project managers are simply administrators, while some are project coordinators. However, the game of being a ‘leader’ project manager is far more than just administration or coordination. I gave presentations and facilitated workshops on this subject in our numerous professional forums. Many times, beyond the presentation, it was the debate with the novice and the experienced project managers about what are the most important skill set that drives me to further increase my study and concepts in this area.
I made sure that my points are not out of head knowledge or some form of pseudo perception of the ideal. I have carefully studied exceptional project managers and have documented my discovery not just for classroom purposes but for life application.
All the points mentioned below are crucial for superlative project governance
1. Give attention to detail
2. Communicate to be understood
3. Learn to be a power negotiator
4. Be a positive thinker
5. Be as flexible as you can
1. Give attention to details
Details are critical for the following points
• It is important not just to have a vision but also to know what are the scope and all exclusions of the vision.
• Don’t just understand the project’s objectives but have a detailed direction on how to achieve those objectives
• Project plan. A well defined and clearly communicated project plan taking into consideration all known factors like time, cost, risks etc
In our very lives today details are not common place. An average Nigerian working professional does not run a budget, neither does he have a retirement plan. He just wakes up everyday and goes to work without a clear cut mission of how long he intend to stay on the job and step-by-step plan to get him out when the time comes. The same attitude is carried on to our projects. Projects are different from processes. We must have very detailed parameters governing not just our projects but also our lives.
I have discovered people will naturally yield and give more to a vision than a need. The vision therefore must be very clear and unambiguously defined. What is the use of a vision that stakeholders cannot relate to because it is not well explained. As a manager with project team to guide and provide leadership to, you must adapt the vision to each person and their role. This is necessary for simplicity sake. Though details must be achieved on all that has to do with the project at hand, simplicity should not be compromised.
2. Communicate to be understood
Now that attention has being given to details, it is important that every member of the project team and stakeholder understands the details of the task at hand. It is important that we integrate and communicate tactically all the success parameters of the project: financial, professional, technical, human, process, etc. The integration and adaptation exercise is both complex and necessary and only its outcome can we use in communicating and explaining the project’s vision and objectives in simple and understandable ways.
Furthermore, the communication of the vision must be adapted to each category of project stakeholder-the technical team and all suppliers, the future users of the project’s outcome, the sponsors etc All may have different and nevertheless very justifiable expectations from the project. It is necessary to deliver this communication in an extremely precise, simple and concise way.
A typical example of a successful project communication line was a Cost Logic System Implementation Project. The vision was that the project outcome was going to allow the whole company to decide and forecast project cost and serve as budgetary guideline for all projects across the world, at every hierarchical level, and for each of the divisions and product lines. The communication per type of stakeholder looked like this:
• For the technicians, the fact that we were migrating towards a leading software package in the industry (Oracle eBusiness suite not to mention it),
• For the finance guys, a centralized consolidated management information system that enhances transparency on cost analysis and provides guidelines in deciding bid processes,
• For the decision-makers, system containing indisputable figures, access to the data via queries and a reporting environment,
• For the end-users, training courses, a homogeneous, ergonomic and functional user interface, with detailed processes on-line.
In other to overcome communication barriers, project managers must establish clear lines of communication and keep stakeholders constantly informed about the development of the project. The following techniques can help:
• Keep a thorough knowledge of stakeholders' needs
• Use stakeholders' preferred method of interaction
• Keep an open-door policy
• Interpret and clarify policies and procedures
• Motivate staff and foster teamwork
3. Learn to be a power negotiator
The bottom line of every investment is profit. Projects are typical of investments, whether we measure profit in monetary value or not. A project is only a project when it helps us achieve certain benefits or objectives. It is therefore important that we do not lose sight of the fact that project success is or will be measured in terms of parameters like cost, time and achieved benefits.
A project manager is a better performer than his contemporary not because he is busy but because he gets the job done on time and on budget. He is even more celebrated when we get it done with some change left. According to Microsoft® Encarta negotiation is resolving of disagreements: the reaching of agreement through discussion and compromise. Because of the varying interest represented on your project it is just normal for us to have many conflicting ideas, desires and concepts. Not being able to bring all part to focus on the final project goal as a project manager is digging the grave for the project.
Negotiation, in a project context, can be used for selling, purchasing, staff (e.g. contracts), borrowing (e.g. loans) and transactions, along with anything else that you feel are applicable for your project. The negotiation capability of a project manager can make a whole lot of difference in how well the project at hand thrives.
Question to answer before starting a negotiation process
1. Why am I negotiating?
2. What do I expect to gain?
3. Why is this important to me or my project?
4. What am I expected to have to offer.
Answering the above questions honestly will help you fully understand your needs and wants. You will be able to quickly determine if continuing a negotiation is worth your time.
Basic Negotiation Strategy
• Never discuss settlement terms until the end of the process, when both parties are committed to trying to resolve the situation. Learn as much as possible about the issue at hand, determine if this is really what you need or want, wait until they indicate that they really want or need to settle.
• Find out the most the other person will pay for something or the least they are willing to sell for so you can couch your initial offer or response to strategically position your offer or proposal.
• Try to get the other person to make the first offer or proposal. Manipulating the other person into making the opening proposal allows you to set the parameters of the negotiation to your advantage.
• Carry out random sampling or market test before sitting down. This will help you establish reasonable parameters for the negotiation. The key to a successful negotiation is keeping your proposals and counters within a range of reasonableness. Do not undermine your credibility by appearing ill-informed or overly aggressive.
• You need to know when to bring the negotiation to a close. Over negotiating often kills deals or agreements that should have been made.
4. Be a positive thinker
The quality of your thoughts often determines the quality of your life and of everything else. Forward thinking is the product of an optimistic life approach. It is good to know that the vast majority of those that ever succeed in life are actually those that believe they can. The success of your projects largely depend on your perception and outlook on the entirety of the project. How will you be able to influence or lead the rest of the team if you as an individual does not believe in the vision of the project and what you are set out to achieve.
Positive thinking increases your possibilities. When you actually believe that you can do something even in the midst of daring challenges or opposition your chances of suceeding actually gets doubled. John Maxwell wrote in his book Think for a Change “Big thinkers who make things happen also create possibilities for others. That happens, in part, because it's contagious. You can't help but become more confident and think bigger when you're around possibility thinkers.”
Positive thinking and the right attitude will enable you not just to win the confidence of the project sponsor but also the commitment of team members. A project is rarely a long and quiet river. Bustles will be numerous and the tough passages also. When things are going well, it is easy to be positive and constructive. But it is when they harden and do not go as we wish that it is most important for the leader to keep in mind that his attitude is observed and is essential for the members of the team.
On the other hand, it is important for the project manager to discern the difference between a project that challenges his/her abilities and that which is doomed for failure. At times the line is so thin that a pessimist will see both as the same. There are situations where perseverance, one of very qualities for which you were recruited, can play against you and your project. It is probably the distinction between stubbornness and tenacity so the project manager must be able to tell the difference.
5. Be as flexible as you can
No project goes 100% as planned. Due to the ever changing environment and dynamic conditions that apply to projects, there seem to never be an end to change request.
To be flexible means to know how to adapt to new situations and circumstances. It means to bend without breaking. For every project there are parameters and indices that determine its success. The project manager should be familiar with not just the parameters but also with every tolerance or allowable deviations of the parameters that form both the upper and the lower boundary. Having an understanding of how far below or above is possible without jeopardising the project’s success will determine how flexible the project manager can be.
How you can learn to be flexible
• Keep listening to the environment. It is important that project managers get an understanding of the different situations and circumstances that exists outside their own constituency. Some external events can have very devastating effect on projects. The passing of a new law, change of government, war and disorder, change in corporate policy etc can all be potential stumbling block for the project.
• Learn from others, ask questions and improve your ability to predict project outcomes.
• Accept unavoidable changes
I have been privileged in my many years of professional activities to meet many project managers both home and abroad. I discovered that we have so many schooled and certified professional but very few real leaders. According to a Survey Carried out by KPMG of 252 organisations, technology is not the most critical factor that determines project success. Inadequate project management implementation constitutes 32% of project failures, lack of communication constitutes 20%, and unfamiliarity with scope and complexity constitutes 17%. Accordingly 69% of project failures are due to lack and/or improper implementation of project management methodologies.
The above project failure indices are directly or indirectly the project manager’s shortcoming. The most popular definition of leadership I believe is influence. As a project manager, the ability to inspire the entire project team toward achieving the desired goal and project objective is key to successful project implementation. Some project managers are simply administrators, while some are project coordinators. However, the game of being a ‘leader’ project manager is far more than just administration or coordination. I gave presentations and facilitated workshops on this subject in our numerous professional forums. Many times, beyond the presentation, it was the debate with the novice and the experienced project managers about what are the most important skill set that drives me to further increase my study and concepts in this area.
I made sure that my points are not out of head knowledge or some form of pseudo perception of the ideal. I have carefully studied exceptional project managers and have documented my discovery not just for classroom purposes but for life application.
All the points mentioned below are crucial for superlative project governance
1. Give attention to detail
2. Communicate to be understood
3. Learn to be a power negotiator
4. Be a positive thinker
5. Be as flexible as you can
1. Give attention to details
Details are critical for the following points
• It is important not just to have a vision but also to know what are the scope and all exclusions of the vision.
• Don’t just understand the project’s objectives but have a detailed direction on how to achieve those objectives
• Project plan. A well defined and clearly communicated project plan taking into consideration all known factors like time, cost, risks etc
In our very lives today details are not common place. An average Nigerian working professional does not run a budget, neither does he have a retirement plan. He just wakes up everyday and goes to work without a clear cut mission of how long he intend to stay on the job and step-by-step plan to get him out when the time comes. The same attitude is carried on to our projects. Projects are different from processes. We must have very detailed parameters governing not just our projects but also our lives.
I have discovered people will naturally yield and give more to a vision than a need. The vision therefore must be very clear and unambiguously defined. What is the use of a vision that stakeholders cannot relate to because it is not well explained. As a manager with project team to guide and provide leadership to, you must adapt the vision to each person and their role. This is necessary for simplicity sake. Though details must be achieved on all that has to do with the project at hand, simplicity should not be compromised.
2. Communicate to be understood
Now that attention has being given to details, it is important that every member of the project team and stakeholder understands the details of the task at hand. It is important that we integrate and communicate tactically all the success parameters of the project: financial, professional, technical, human, process, etc. The integration and adaptation exercise is both complex and necessary and only its outcome can we use in communicating and explaining the project’s vision and objectives in simple and understandable ways.
Furthermore, the communication of the vision must be adapted to each category of project stakeholder-the technical team and all suppliers, the future users of the project’s outcome, the sponsors etc All may have different and nevertheless very justifiable expectations from the project. It is necessary to deliver this communication in an extremely precise, simple and concise way.
A typical example of a successful project communication line was a Cost Logic System Implementation Project. The vision was that the project outcome was going to allow the whole company to decide and forecast project cost and serve as budgetary guideline for all projects across the world, at every hierarchical level, and for each of the divisions and product lines. The communication per type of stakeholder looked like this:
• For the technicians, the fact that we were migrating towards a leading software package in the industry (Oracle eBusiness suite not to mention it),
• For the finance guys, a centralized consolidated management information system that enhances transparency on cost analysis and provides guidelines in deciding bid processes,
• For the decision-makers, system containing indisputable figures, access to the data via queries and a reporting environment,
• For the end-users, training courses, a homogeneous, ergonomic and functional user interface, with detailed processes on-line.
In other to overcome communication barriers, project managers must establish clear lines of communication and keep stakeholders constantly informed about the development of the project. The following techniques can help:
• Keep a thorough knowledge of stakeholders' needs
• Use stakeholders' preferred method of interaction
• Keep an open-door policy
• Interpret and clarify policies and procedures
• Motivate staff and foster teamwork
3. Learn to be a power negotiator
The bottom line of every investment is profit. Projects are typical of investments, whether we measure profit in monetary value or not. A project is only a project when it helps us achieve certain benefits or objectives. It is therefore important that we do not lose sight of the fact that project success is or will be measured in terms of parameters like cost, time and achieved benefits.
A project manager is a better performer than his contemporary not because he is busy but because he gets the job done on time and on budget. He is even more celebrated when we get it done with some change left. According to Microsoft® Encarta negotiation is resolving of disagreements: the reaching of agreement through discussion and compromise. Because of the varying interest represented on your project it is just normal for us to have many conflicting ideas, desires and concepts. Not being able to bring all part to focus on the final project goal as a project manager is digging the grave for the project.
Negotiation, in a project context, can be used for selling, purchasing, staff (e.g. contracts), borrowing (e.g. loans) and transactions, along with anything else that you feel are applicable for your project. The negotiation capability of a project manager can make a whole lot of difference in how well the project at hand thrives.
Question to answer before starting a negotiation process
1. Why am I negotiating?
2. What do I expect to gain?
3. Why is this important to me or my project?
4. What am I expected to have to offer.
Answering the above questions honestly will help you fully understand your needs and wants. You will be able to quickly determine if continuing a negotiation is worth your time.
Basic Negotiation Strategy
• Never discuss settlement terms until the end of the process, when both parties are committed to trying to resolve the situation. Learn as much as possible about the issue at hand, determine if this is really what you need or want, wait until they indicate that they really want or need to settle.
• Find out the most the other person will pay for something or the least they are willing to sell for so you can couch your initial offer or response to strategically position your offer or proposal.
• Try to get the other person to make the first offer or proposal. Manipulating the other person into making the opening proposal allows you to set the parameters of the negotiation to your advantage.
• Carry out random sampling or market test before sitting down. This will help you establish reasonable parameters for the negotiation. The key to a successful negotiation is keeping your proposals and counters within a range of reasonableness. Do not undermine your credibility by appearing ill-informed or overly aggressive.
• You need to know when to bring the negotiation to a close. Over negotiating often kills deals or agreements that should have been made.
4. Be a positive thinker
The quality of your thoughts often determines the quality of your life and of everything else. Forward thinking is the product of an optimistic life approach. It is good to know that the vast majority of those that ever succeed in life are actually those that believe they can. The success of your projects largely depend on your perception and outlook on the entirety of the project. How will you be able to influence or lead the rest of the team if you as an individual does not believe in the vision of the project and what you are set out to achieve.
Positive thinking increases your possibilities. When you actually believe that you can do something even in the midst of daring challenges or opposition your chances of suceeding actually gets doubled. John Maxwell wrote in his book Think for a Change “Big thinkers who make things happen also create possibilities for others. That happens, in part, because it's contagious. You can't help but become more confident and think bigger when you're around possibility thinkers.”
Positive thinking and the right attitude will enable you not just to win the confidence of the project sponsor but also the commitment of team members. A project is rarely a long and quiet river. Bustles will be numerous and the tough passages also. When things are going well, it is easy to be positive and constructive. But it is when they harden and do not go as we wish that it is most important for the leader to keep in mind that his attitude is observed and is essential for the members of the team.
On the other hand, it is important for the project manager to discern the difference between a project that challenges his/her abilities and that which is doomed for failure. At times the line is so thin that a pessimist will see both as the same. There are situations where perseverance, one of very qualities for which you were recruited, can play against you and your project. It is probably the distinction between stubbornness and tenacity so the project manager must be able to tell the difference.
5. Be as flexible as you can
No project goes 100% as planned. Due to the ever changing environment and dynamic conditions that apply to projects, there seem to never be an end to change request.
To be flexible means to know how to adapt to new situations and circumstances. It means to bend without breaking. For every project there are parameters and indices that determine its success. The project manager should be familiar with not just the parameters but also with every tolerance or allowable deviations of the parameters that form both the upper and the lower boundary. Having an understanding of how far below or above is possible without jeopardising the project’s success will determine how flexible the project manager can be.
How you can learn to be flexible
• Keep listening to the environment. It is important that project managers get an understanding of the different situations and circumstances that exists outside their own constituency. Some external events can have very devastating effect on projects. The passing of a new law, change of government, war and disorder, change in corporate policy etc can all be potential stumbling block for the project.
• Learn from others, ask questions and improve your ability to predict project outcomes.
• Accept unavoidable changes
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